Serenity

(this is what I would see if I kept my eyes open while meditating)

Serenity is one word people who know me would never associate with me. I worry a lot, about things big and small, past and future. But I am trying to become more serene, and without being aware of it at the time this summer brought me a bit closer to it. I managed to not think about work and whether my contract would be renewed, for example. That would have been impossible only a few months ago. The last two weeks I just lived day-to-day and enjoyed the rest of my holidays. Similar to my attempt to not live my life in terms of weekdays/weekend blocks I didn't think of it as The-End-Of-Summer. But of course work and the passing of time are only two of many things in life that can cause anxiety.

I had a decidedly non-serene weekend, with a lot to worry about. While trying to find an essential oil blend I hadn't used before, I came across the blend for serenity (in this book) and have been burning it for the last two days. It's cedarwood, lemon and chamomile and smells incredible. Apparently the essential oils you gravitate towards are the ones you need, and I have been using lots of chamomile (which unfortunately is one of the more expensive ones, but I still have the first bottle I bought). I also started meditating again after weeks of neglecting it.

Some irrational part of me seems to think that if I stop worrying, bad things will happen as a result and catch me unprepared. And it is to do with being afraid of change - when you have been an anxious worrier for years it is what you are used to and know and thus what you are comfortable with, although it can hardly be called a comfortable state. I need to keep reminding myself that I cannot control anything and have to learn to let go and live in the present. It's not easy, but I feel I am getting better at it the closer I get to 30, and little things like aromatherapy oil blends help along the way.