This morning, I decided to head down to the beach. Only when I got there, there was no beach. I never check the tide forecast, so I never know what the beach will look like.
I had brought my bikini, but instead of going for a swim I sat down on the steps leading down to the beach and stayed there for a long time, with the calming sound of waves lapping against the rocks, and thought about things that have emerged recently.
I feel I have undergone a significant transformation. I have shed old patterns of behaviour that don't suit or serve me anymore (and never have, in reality). I realised I have far more control over my actions than I thought, and I made a big mistake in letting myself act (out) against that feeling of control. There are other ways of dealing with feelings of insecurity and grief, and I know I have the tools for doing that and the ability to use them.
I now know that I don't have to hide from the world. I actually very much like being in the world. I am still somebody who loves solitude, but I don't have to fear the world outside my bubble. And as long as I get the balance between being out in the world and getting time to myself right, I will be content.
I don't have to worry so much, because worry doesn't do anything other than drain me and those who witness my worrying.
Most of all I don't have to worry about security. I am always safe. There is no need for me to be needy. I have everything I need within me.
I understand now that I do not need suffering and drama in order to make art. I got all the drama out of my system. I can be a happy, non-tortured artist. In fact I was most productive in the last year, when I was happiest and healthiest.
Later I went for a walk along the thin strip of rocky shoreline next to the beach.
Somebody had made a work of art out of nature:
And of course nature itself is a work of art.