Monday, April 18, 2011

Leaving things behind

I have left this page (of this book) open on my kitchen counter for the last few weeks, because I feel it's the most important piece of advice for me at the moment (and so does my counsellor):

The problem is getting to the point where I can see (emotionally, not just rationally) that certain things that I can't let go of do not matter.They seem to matter an awful lot to me considering the space they take up in my head.

I had an enforced break -though I was working from home- at the weekend, after crashing last week. I should have listened to my body. I didn't feel right and still went for a run. Which was a mistake. For the next few days I did a lot of this:

Though not exclusively on a rock.

I am succeeding in letting go on some levels. A few days ago I finally tackled a folder full of evidence of a particularly disastrous relationship I have had the pleasure to experience -letters, printed-out e-mails (I know... and with frantically scribbled notes all over them), etc. I only read a few bits (enough to convince myself that I really needed to get rid of it all) before binning them. It felt so good. I no longer think that all my correspondence and diaries are worth saving in the unlikely case that one day somebody will decide to publish Marina's Letters and Journals. In fact, should I ever become famous (yeah, right) I would do everything in my power to avoid that. I even shudder to think that future generations of our family might want to piece together the past with the help of Marina's stuff. My aunt is doing that at the moment with war-time correspondence from our grandparents and their circle of relatives and friends. Most of the written evidence of the first quarter-century of my life portrays me as a neurotic, opinionated, paranoid, anxiety-ridden maniac. So it was a relief to get rid of all that. I try not to obsess about the tiny problem that the letters and e-mails that I wrote might still languish in the homes and inboxes of the recipients and I have no control over that part...

Anyway, I feel much lighter now.

Other ways of detoxing:
-I dusted the insides and outsides of my lampshades (yes, one of those essential things) - it really makes a difference
-I got rid of all the bedclothes that are not white (I equate peace and calm and good sleep with white in my bed these days - the dark bedclothes are in fact from the time I had a dog)
-I am trying to eliminate sugar from my diet again. I do feel better without it.

P.S.: Zen Habits offers great inspiration for simplifying your life.

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