Four senses

| When I bought this album back in June I didn't know that the title would take on such significance within a few weeks. Incidentally, I thought I was buying an album by Madeleine Peyroux - there are similarities, and to me their names have the same "taste". This (as well as her debut album) has been the soundtrack to most of my summer and will be played in my art classes.

 | The fading scent and the aesthetic of dying flowers (and my friend just brought me a new bunch! Sweet peas are among my favourite flower smells)

 | My new helmet haircut (aka fringe), created by my younger sister, refreshed by my older sister. Yes, my hair is a vehicle for our sibling bond.

| Spending weekend mornings outside my house pretending to be surrounded by jasmine bushes by drinking it in the form of tea. There is still heat in the sun.

Saturday morning, ten degrees Celsius...

...but my sister and I are fearless.
I almost chickened out, but we braved the cold waters of the Atlantic Ocean, and it didn't feel much different from June.

One trick a friend told me is to always bring a large bottle of warm water to pour over your feet when you get into your car after your swim (with your feet outside the car, obviously), to rinse off the sand and to thaw what will have turned into clumps of ice. My sister decided to wear tights today, which meant I had the entire bottle to myself. It is up there with the best spa treatments. It also means you will be able to feel what you are doing with the clutch - when I stay in the water too long, I find driving my car afterwards quite difficult.

This was hopefully the first of many autumn swims. When my sister and brother-in-law move here (when?!) they will be living near a lake, so we are going to incorporate that into our swimming life.

Sorry, Cy

"But at that time I did not understand at all how to make the lines and shapes and colours, simply by the pattern they made together, produce a direct emotional effect, one that was apart from what objects of the external world were actually depicted in the drawing. In fact, I did not then understand in what sense painting was a sensory organic language rather than an idea language." 

(Milner, Marion, On Not Being Able To Paint, Routledge, Hove 2010, p.111)

I saw my first Cy Twombly (who died in 2011) in Frankfurt on a school trip and was bemused by what to my teenage eyes looked like an accident with a pencil. While there undoubtedly still is and always will be a lot of modern art I either do not (want to) "get" or that I find pretentious or too conceptual, there are also countless examples of artists I wouldn't have liked ten or fifteen years ago that are now among my favourites. I have grown to love Twombly's lyrical and beautiful work, the painterly feel of it and the childlike scribbles. (I also think children are amazing artists and that it is the mark of a great artist to retain the immediacy and expression of children's art.)

So I want to take back all the dismissive comments I may have made about Twombly's art in my younger years. 

If I could I would go to the UK this autumn for this exhibition, which juxtaposes him with Turner and Monet:

 

And I would go to see this Munch exhibition as well:

Summer moments

This break was longer than I expected. Thank you for the nice comments and e-mails I received while I was gone. The summer has been tough, and while it was good to be at home with my family for four weeks, that time was spent in hope, a hope that ended up being crushed as soon as I got back here - I thought I was prepared, and yet it hit me so much harder than I had feared it would.

But I am trying to focus on good things: my health, my work, the house I live in and the wonderful people in my life who have made me feel so loved. And all the small-yet-big things that are part of it all: the sweet peas on my windowsill that a friend brought, one of many unexpected gifts; the beautiful end-of-summer weather we have had; the books I am reading that are teaching me so much and those I am reading in the middle of the night when I can't get back to sleep; gradually being able to run for longer and faster; Connemara in golden light; feeling more serene in the face of obstacles; making new friends...

These pictures are from my time at home. I didn't capture the best of it on camera (my family, obviously), but they were there, surrounding what can be seen here.

| The cats are part of the family, of course.

 

| An all-female outing (my mom, my sisters and I) to see this exhibition.

| Evening sky on the way to Heidelberg.

 

| Trying on dresses my sister made

 

| ...and having afternoon tea at her place.

| Colourful fruit

| Summer reading while cat-sitting. And the nice feeling of being able to wear a summer dress or bikini all day long (here in Ireland it's bath robes and scarves in the house again).

A break

This year I usually posted something here twice a week, and it was a nice rhythm and routine. Right now I feel I have to focus on other things in my life without worrying about neglecting this space, and I will be going to Germany soon to visit my family, so I have decided to take a break from blogging for a few weeks. I am hoping to be back soon (and who knows, maybe the break will be shorter than I think). Thank you for reading and for all the kind comments. I hope you all have a great summer!

Thoughts while sitting by the sea

This morning, I decided to head down to the beach. Only when I got there, there was no beach. I never check the tide forecast, so I never know what the beach will look like.

I had brought my bikini, but instead of going for a swim I sat down on the steps leading down to the beach and stayed there for a long time, with the calming sound of waves lapping against the rocks, and thought about things that have emerged recently.

I feel I have undergone a significant transformation. I have shed old patterns of behaviour that don't suit or serve me anymore (and never have, in reality). I realised I have far more control over my actions than I thought, and I made a big mistake in letting myself act (out) against that feeling of control. There are other ways of dealing with feelings of insecurity and grief, and I know I have the tools for doing that and the ability to use them.

I now know that I don't have to hide from the world. I actually very much like being in the world. I am still somebody who loves solitude, but I don't have to fear the world outside my bubble. And as long as I get the balance between being out in the world and getting time to myself right, I will be content.

I don't have to worry so much, because worry doesn't do anything other than drain me and those who witness my worrying.

Most of all I don't have to worry about security. I am always safe. There is no need for me to be needy. I have everything I need within me.

I understand now that I do not need suffering and drama in order to make art. I got all the drama out of my system. I can be a happy, non-tortured artist. In fact I was most productive in the last year, when I was happiest and healthiest.

 

Later I went for a walk along the thin strip of rocky shoreline next to the beach.

Somebody had made a work of art out of nature:

And of course nature itself is a work of art.

Centred

These days I have the time and the need to be back on the mat and spend more than five minutes on it. Since I often have trouble sitting upright properly - I can do it, of course, but it seems easier to slump - I have been working on strengthening my back, choosing poses where I can feel the muscles in my back are being challenged.

 I have been doing the Seated Forward Bend (or Paschimottanasana) a lot, and I can stretch further every day. It is one of those poses where I am aware of its benefit for the nervous system while I am doing it (another one is the Plough); it is so soothing.

Apart from yoga, I have been running a lot, doing push-ups, which are incredibly hard, crunches and burpees for general strength, and swimming, which is also great for the back, especially the backstroke.

After only a week or so of consciously focusing on it - although I had been exercising all along -, I notice a difference. I wouldn't say my back is my weak point, but working on the computer and drawing at my desk take their toll. And when my energy levels aren't great I certainly feel my back is weak, if not in pain. Now, when I walk, sit or run - at all times, really - I sense this previously unfamiliar strength in my spine. It makes it easier to move about. And it has an added bonus. I feel mentally and emotionally stronger, like things cannot crush me that easily - as though they will just bounce off my new armour!