Out of the rut

 

 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how hard it is to make certain decisions. I have been struggling with getting it right. On the one hand I realise I need to learn to say no more often, because my inability to do so has landed me in all kinds of trouble in the past and keeps making my life difficult and more stressful than necessary; but on the other hand I feel I sometimes have to push myself and say yes to more things - that perhaps I try to avoid too many social situations (because I often feel awkward), for instance, or other challenging, frightening things. It's about finding some kind of equilibrium between being Marina and making an effort, stepping out of my comfort zone. I wish I were able to instinctively know which situation calls for which approach, but I guess it's not that easy.

Sometimes I feel a nudge, though. After a row of days of the same routine, I know it's probably good to say yes to something that comes my way. One small example from last week: it was a rather unstructured day and I was very close to just going home after work, like on all other days that week, where I would then probably procrastinate and feel lethargic and go to bed early. That had suited me fine all week - I am in hibernating mood. But on Friday, after hesitating and resisting at first, I followed my friend's suggestion to go into town and to an exhibition.

My workplace is quite close to town, a ten-, 15- minute walk, yet if often seems too overwhelming a prospect to me, especially in the colder months. I might feel achey and tired, and not in the mood for rain and wind and dodging fellow pedestrians and cars, the bustle of an -admittedly small- city. [Oh, and at this time of the year, the pre-Christmas mayhem.]

But I did make it into town, walking in the fading light, and it was exactly what I needed. The studio sale was in one of the most picturesque parts of the city (see photos), which I don't frequent nearly enough, the work exhibited was beautiful (and we bought a few pieces for the university's collection), and I watched the night fall on the water, with velvety, rich shades of blue. It all injected energy and joy into an otherwise unremarkable string of days.