A break

This year I usually posted something here twice a week, and it was a nice rhythm and routine. Right now I feel I have to focus on other things in my life without worrying about neglecting this space, and I will be going to Germany soon to visit my family, so I have decided to take a break from blogging for a few weeks. I am hoping to be back soon (and who knows, maybe the break will be shorter than I think). Thank you for reading and for all the kind comments. I hope you all have a great summer!

Thoughts while sitting by the sea

This morning, I decided to head down to the beach. Only when I got there, there was no beach. I never check the tide forecast, so I never know what the beach will look like.

I had brought my bikini, but instead of going for a swim I sat down on the steps leading down to the beach and stayed there for a long time, with the calming sound of waves lapping against the rocks, and thought about things that have emerged recently.

I feel I have undergone a significant transformation. I have shed old patterns of behaviour that don't suit or serve me anymore (and never have, in reality). I realised I have far more control over my actions than I thought, and I made a big mistake in letting myself act (out) against that feeling of control. There are other ways of dealing with feelings of insecurity and grief, and I know I have the tools for doing that and the ability to use them.

I now know that I don't have to hide from the world. I actually very much like being in the world. I am still somebody who loves solitude, but I don't have to fear the world outside my bubble. And as long as I get the balance between being out in the world and getting time to myself right, I will be content.

I don't have to worry so much, because worry doesn't do anything other than drain me and those who witness my worrying.

Most of all I don't have to worry about security. I am always safe. There is no need for me to be needy. I have everything I need within me.

I understand now that I do not need suffering and drama in order to make art. I got all the drama out of my system. I can be a happy, non-tortured artist. In fact I was most productive in the last year, when I was happiest and healthiest.

 

Later I went for a walk along the thin strip of rocky shoreline next to the beach.

Somebody had made a work of art out of nature:

And of course nature itself is a work of art.

Centred

These days I have the time and the need to be back on the mat and spend more than five minutes on it. Since I often have trouble sitting upright properly - I can do it, of course, but it seems easier to slump - I have been working on strengthening my back, choosing poses where I can feel the muscles in my back are being challenged.

 I have been doing the Seated Forward Bend (or Paschimottanasana) a lot, and I can stretch further every day. It is one of those poses where I am aware of its benefit for the nervous system while I am doing it (another one is the Plough); it is so soothing.

Apart from yoga, I have been running a lot, doing push-ups, which are incredibly hard, crunches and burpees for general strength, and swimming, which is also great for the back, especially the backstroke.

After only a week or so of consciously focusing on it - although I had been exercising all along -, I notice a difference. I wouldn't say my back is my weak point, but working on the computer and drawing at my desk take their toll. And when my energy levels aren't great I certainly feel my back is weak, if not in pain. Now, when I walk, sit or run - at all times, really - I sense this previously unfamiliar strength in my spine. It makes it easier to move about. And it has an added bonus. I feel mentally and emotionally stronger, like things cannot crush me that easily - as though they will just bounce off my new armour!