A Beautiful Hue

Berry colours

2012-02-17T09:54:00.001Z

All the knitting and crochet I did over the winter had piled up in a corner of the room, so I spent some time at the weekend sorting, packing and storing it.

Crafting, like baking, presents a "problem" for me: I love the process, but I don't necessarily want the result to stay. With baking I need people to eat the baked goods, as I cannot and would not want to eat them all myself and I don't have a big freezer. With crafts, there are only so many things I want to keep. I don't need 20 pairs of wrist warmers and 15 scarves.

People like cake, so I've never had to throw any away (though some of my healthier versions aren't always appreciated as much!). I also gift crafted things regularly. However, yarn being rather expensive (at least the yarn I go for), I am considering selling some of the pieces I make in order to fund this passion of mine.

The idea has been - for a long time- to sell crafts (and maybe baked goods) in the market. This hasn't happened yet, as I am waiting for my business-partner-to-be, my sister, to move here. I also still haven't applied for a licence. And on recent trips to the market I had second thoughts: Do we really want to spend hours shivering in the cold and wet, with the wind threatening to blow away the stall? I'd rather have a little shop/café/gallery (another dream of ours), but the rent for commercial spaces is way too high.

I haven't taken the plunge into setting up an online shop (researching it at the moment). I do not have a business head at all, and I don't expect to ever make money from it - considering that the wool alone for the cowl in the first picture was over ten euro per 100 grams, it doesn't seem viable. But it might be fun.

In the meantime I am tackling bigger projects - tops, dresses, skirts - and trying to improve my technique.

The cardigan with the flowers was a present from my sister - she is a late-night crafter extraordinaire.

Sleeve detail of said cardigan and airy infinity scarf I knitted

The throw I made for myself (I realised I never posted pictures of the finished piece - I stopped at four by four squares, so it is a mini throw covering less than a third of the bottom of my bed) and a dress that needed mending. Purple is said to be the colour of the frustrated woman, but I don't care - I have three purple dresses, and I like the colour - it corresponds to the crown chakra (and, for the record, I am not frustrated!).

Merino wool wrist warmers

"Life doesn't last; art doesn't last. It doesn't matter." - Eva Hesse

2012-02-14T16:58:00.001Z

Eva Hesse (1936-1970) is best known as an innovative sculptor working with unusual (and fragile, perishable) materials such as latex. This book focuses on the importance of her drawings, both as preparation for her sculptural work and as finished pieces in their own right. I love her line and find her work very moving, especially the drawings incorporating circles. I have an obsession with circles (Patrick Scott's work comes to mind - we have some of his tapestries in the University's art collection.)

This book was a gift from a dear friend and artist and is one I keep revisiting.

[De Zegher, Catherine (editor): Eva Hesse Drawing; The Drawing Centre, Yale University Press, 2006]

Solitude

2012-02-11T17:59:00.000Z

"If your everyday life seems to lack material, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to summon up its riches; for there is no lack for him who creates and no poor, trivial place."
(Rilke, Rainer Maria: Letters to a Young Poet, Penguin Classics, London 2011, p.8)

This quote is reassuring as well as challenging, and it immediately made me think of Emily Dickinson's poetry, which is incredibly rich and complex, even though she lived the life of a recluse. I am fascinated by those living simple, secluded lives and their creative output (probably because I am an introvert and a bit of a hermit myself). Of course interaction with others can be stimulating and productive, but I often find that the best ideas come to me in periods of isolation and solitude, and too many people and too much talk just leave me drained and unable to think clearly. So a lot of the thoughts expressed by Rilke in these letters resonate with me.

I find myself more and more in favour of a small life - I can honestly say that I never get bored when I spend quiet time at home. Our inner lives hold abundance, and as long as I can read (which provides plenty of vicarious experience anyway), listen to music and create, I am content. This week has been quite the opposite of solitude - I only returned to my house to sleep - and I am craving some time alone, with my notebooks and a drawing pad.

Slow

2012-02-04T20:54:00.000Z

This week I did things differently. I am weakened by tonsillitis (so much for not getting sick anymore - the stress of the last few weeks has taken its toll) and still going to work, so I am forced to slow down at home.

Instead of my early-morning starts at the pool, I had longer, slow mornings at home and drove to work later and availed of the park-and-ride facility at the college, so I didn't have to worry about parking. I left my bed unmade two days in a row (unheard of previously), let the sink fill with dirty dishes, and instead of tackling projects I am working on I watched DVDs (I rarely buy DVDs - I prefer renting on iTunes - but I bought Mildred Pierce and think it is something I might watch several times) and had baths with Dead Sea salt by candlelight while listening to music. The new Tori Amos album, a 21st-century song cycle inspired by classical music that deals with a dying relationship, is set in Ireland and draws on mythology and the power of the sea. I hadn't listened to her in a while, as I found some of her more recent albums a bit disappointing compared to her earlier work, but now I am immersed in her music; it has been the perfect soundtrack to the last few days. I also love the Kate Bush album, especially the eponymous track. Both CDs have beautiful book-style packaging.

This week has reminded me that a lot of the pressure I perceive in my life is in my head. Even though it is very busy at work right now, there were so many other things I felt I should be doing, but being sick has made me realise that nothing is that important or urgent. I know I will get back into my usual routine, but I intend to carry the knowledge that I could live with fewer self-imposed aims and deadlines with me into the busy-ness that lies ahead.

| Speaking of slowness, today Matt made the curry laksa from Yotam Ottolenghi's comfort food recipe cards that came with the Guardian a couple of weeks ago - it was one of the best meals of my life, so fresh-tasting (lots of coriander and lemongrass). The ingredient list looks a bit daunting, and you have to continuously stir the spice paste you make at the beginning for 20 minutes, but it is so worth it - and stirring something this fragrant is hardly a chore, more of a scented meditation.

Across the bay

2012-01-30T20:15:00.000Z

Over the weekend I had a full day at home on my own and spent a good while observing the changing weather. The camera (well, my camera) never captures it, but I get the most amazing views. Sometimes I almost take it for granted, especially when I am in a rush, but most days I take in the view before I get in the car, and on days I don't have to be anywhere I love seeing the sun rise and watching the world transform outside.

It goes through a wide range of blues and greys and greens, and every now and again County Clare in the distance is pink and lavender and seems heightened and so much closer (see photo). Often there is a silvery blurred strip between the water and the land and then, of course, all kinds of mist and clouds and foam. This being the west of Ireland, the weather can be very dramatic, so there is a lot happening in the course of a day..

It occurred to me that I have lived in this house for three and a half years and have never painted the view. I always suggest an exercise to my students where you tape a sheet with a rectangle cut in it on a window and record the changing weather patterns within that frame, and I still haven't done it with my kitchen window. So that is my next project.

Somebody who lives here but comes from another place by the sea in another country once said they missed the feeling of vastness that you get when looking out at the endless sea without land in the distance. I understand what they mean, but you don't have far to go to get such a view, and I have grown quite fond of seeing tiny houses in the distance across the water. At night you see lights twinkling there, together with the odd one from a ship on the ink-blue water. On very clear nights stars get added to this, and it is magical.

House tour - the reading and crafting corner

2012-01-27T20:00:00.001Z

Another photo-heavy post. Words feel elusive at the moment. There is so much spinning around in my head, but I cannot seem to put any sentences together this week (thankfully my classes were an exception).

I have been consuming words a lot instead. All my evenings and the weekend were spent reading with candles lit, dipping into books new and old, then crocheting while processing it all.

Even though we still haven't found somewhere to move into together, I am beginning to feel nostalgic about my current place, as if my time here were already over. It has made me go into documenting mode, taking pictures of every corner. So this may well be one of several house tour posts. I am extremely curious about how people live and known to look at everything -as long as it's on display; I don't open drawers and the like- when visiting somebody's house. Here are some of the things I want to remember about my own humble abode:

Piece of furniture that was here when I moved in and I painted antique white. It's where I put current crochet and knitting projects, magazines and books - all in view to make sure I go back to them.

Coffee table given to me by a friend that I painted antique white; couch dressed in second-hand bedsheet and lots of cushions; the bird ring was a Christmas present from a friend

White books and donkey - a gift from a friend who knew of my obsession

Re-reading this at the moment - one of the books that are always on my coffee table

Grey books & photograph cut out of a newspaper years ago that I was viscerally drawn to - the girl looks like the younger me (unfortunately I didn't write down who the photographer was)

Bits and pieces

2012-01-24T19:34:00.000Z

I started teaching again today, and it was good to see returning students and welcome new ones. A few days ago I felt a bit overwhelmed, but now that I am in the middle of a busy week, I am enjoying it all. The Alexander technique and meditation are definitely helping. I am also swimming and/or running most days, and I set myself a certain amount of time every evening to draw baby elephants and hippos (new illustration project) and then work on some crochet cuffs. It all combines to make me content with life right now.

| My bear wisdom for this week is this:

It may seem superficial, but what I wear does have an impact on how I feel, and I love wearing nice clothes. (Incidentally, the first illustration is one of my favourites - my dad once sent me a postcard of it when I was little)

| I am planning things - maybe a trip to London very soon, where I want to see this exhibition:

| Drinking gallons of green tea (from my favourite cup):

| And curling up with this (beautiful inside and out):

...when I'm not reading The Light Years, which I am also enjoying a lot; it is so evocatively written.

Beautiful books: Molly Fox's Birthday

2012-01-21T19:39:00.001Z

"What kind of woman has a saffron quilt on her bed? Wears a white linen dressing gown? Keeps beside her bed a stack of gardening books? Stores all her clothes in a shabby antique wardrobe, with a mirror built into its door? Who is she when she is in this room, alone and unobserved, and in what way does that differ from the person she is when she is in a restaurant with friends or in rehearsal or engaging with members of the public? Who, in short, is Molly Fox?" (Madden, Deirdre: Molly Fox's Birthday, faber and faber, London 2008, p.9)

This, for me, is one of those books that make you feel almost bereft when you finish it. I didn't want to leave the setting and the characters. I came across Molly Fox's Birthday while browsing in my favourite bookshop in Galway, and now I cannot wait to read Deirdre Madden's other books. It is not only a good story, taking place in one single day, with flashbacks to events in the past, but addresses big questions ranging from philosophy to art history (specifically the role of memorials) and religion. It is ideas-driven, with the ideas seamlessly woven into the narrative most of the time. I love this kind of novel. I kept a notebook handy while reading it - on almost every page there was some truth that I wanted to write down to revisit.

It happens to be about so many things I deeply care about. I love both non-fiction and fiction about art and artists' lives. The nameless narrator is a playwright struggling to write her next play who is staying in her friend Molly's house in Dublin while Molly is in New York. Molly is a gifted actor with an extraordinary voice. The narrator ponders their friendship and who Molly, who takes on so many different roles and in her personal life is shy and private, really is. Other characters include a mutual friend (an art historian), the narrator's brother (a priest), Molly's brother, who suffers from depression, and a stranger who is a fan of Molly's. We see everything and everybody through the narrator's eyes. I loved the descriptions of Molly's house and garden - the atmosphere including smells and changing light is brilliantly rendered - and how they and the things they contain contribute to her identity and trigger memories in the narrator.

The novel examines the nature of friendship and family bonds, the concept of home, the shifting and fluid nature of identity, how well we can really know another person, and the vital role that art plays - "so much social interchange is inherently false, and real communication can only be achieved in ways that seem strange and artificial" (p.214) - and along the way offers many beautiful insights into life, raising questions about how to live a full and true life and what that means.

The blurbs by Frank McGuinness and Sebastian Barry on the book jacket both emphasise the compassion or sympathy in Madden's writing, and it does suffuse every single page. I am so glad I stumbled upon this writer.

Country vs. city

2012-01-17T20:14:00.002Z

This is just about the busiest time of the year, as we are in the middle of organising a festival, and it has manifested itself in pain in the right side of my body. I got temporary relief from a massage (such a welcome gift), but working on a laptop for hours on end has taken its toll, and I need to do something about it. My friend gave me some Alexander Technique mp3s, and I am trying to do the exercises (just lying on your back with a few books under your head and your knees pointing at the ceiling and imagining your body expanding while listening to a soothing voice and nice background music) every evening.

We are looking out for a house, but have had no luck so far - I have a feeling there will be more on offer in the warmer months. Right now I keep moving between my house and Matt's apartment, and while this is clearly a first-world problem, now more than ever I am ready to move in with him and not have to constantly worry about whether I forgot to pack something for the next day if I stay at his.

I talk about simplifying my life, but things don't seem that simple when I am forever lugging my clothes, gym bag, laptop, reading material, artwork I am working on, bags of spinach (I often bring food from my fridge that would go off otherwise) and other "essentials" from one place to the other and back. There are always at least three bags in my car. Maybe I'm not that minimalist after all.

He lives closer to work and town, and it makes for a welcome change to only be five minutes away from everything, but my heart still belongs to the country. I like coming back to my house at the end of the day and looking out on the sea. There is so much space around me; I feel like I am back in my sanctuary, breathing cleaner air and able to see the stars. He is more of a city person, so we will have to compromise if we are to finally move in together.*

Photo is of my country bathroom window.

*Galway is a very small city, admittedly.

Skin deep #2

2012-01-14T13:56:00.001Z

When you try out several new things or make various changes all at the same time, it's hard to say which one makes a difference. For instance, last year I incorporated several positive changes into my diet within a few weeks, or days even. Maybe they all help, but only eliminating one thing after the other would tell me which are vital for me, and somehow I cannot be bothered to do that. I just choose to think that all the changes I have made help, and as long as my diet works for me, I am happy.

Similarly with skin care I cannot pinpoint what single thing has made the most difference. And of course there are so many other contributing factors. Skin responds to what you eat, and to exercise. Deep breathing helps. My skin is much better when I go to the sauna or steam room regularly (whenever I spend time in Germany where I don't go, it gets worse). Stress makes me break out more. Swimming in the sea is great for your skin. And so on. But I have found some products that seem to help, too, and work better than others I have used.

I have the annoying type of combination skin that means you have to deal with oily skin and break-outs as well as dry patches and peeling skin. I switched to Dr. Hauschka facial oil a few months ago, and unlike before then, it was the only moisturiser I have used since. However, I also use a separate SPF sometimes, and I do facials with other oils, such as jojoba (with essential oils added, and I vary these, too).
All this to say that, even though I cannot vouch that this product has made all the difference, I like it a lot. Oily skin actually needs external oil to regulate itself, and while it may seem counterintuitive at first and feel greasy, after a while you do notice that your skin absorbs it better and your skin becomes soft to the touch, without the grease. Sometimes I still am oily-faced at the end of the day, when I've been anxious or stressed or nervous (and forgot to breathe deeply), but overall it is more rare. The only downside is that the dispenser bottle is prone to leaking from where the top is attached to the bottle, no matter how I adjust it. I'd prefer if it just came in a normal bottle with a screw top. Before I bought this one, I had a sample -a tiny glass bottle- and I use it for travelling and for the gym; it doesn't leak at all.

I also have the Translucent Bronze Concentrate. I don't like using foundation (it often looks cakey and clogs my pores), and this is completely different. It doesn't cover your skin like foundation does, but it gives it a healthy glow and unifies it. You can mix it with the oil or any moisturiser. So all in all a more subtle approach. It is very dark but adjusts to your skin tone. You have to be careful how much you use, though - I would recommend applying it in daylight. It is also great for contouring the space between your brow and eyelid and your cheekbones. And of course it is all natural, too. I don't use it every day, especially because nowadays I do have more of a natural glow, compared to my former pale sickly appearance, so I don't need it as much.

Dr. Hauschka products are not cheap, but I find they last forever and are well worth the money (they are also an ethical company).

Argan oil and Maria Sibylla Merian prints

I have also started using Argan oil. I had a sample of the much-hyped Moroccan Oil and loved it, but I prefer using pure Argan oil. So far I have only used this on my hair and elbows, knees and scars, but it's supposed to be great for your face as well. You can put it into your hair half an hour before washing it or rub it into the ends afterwards. It makes my hair stronger and easier to manage and adds shine.
I also use coconut oil and jojoba oil for my body, instead of body lotion and for shaving. I find using oils feels more natural and nourishing than lotions and conditioner.

See also Skin deep #1

[Update - I forgot to say: I did not get paid to endorse these products]

Flying and dreaming

2012-01-10T19:53:00.002Z

I got home last night, with mixed feelings as usual - missing my family and happy to see Matt and be back. I scrubbed off the journey and washed my clothes. I am burning lemongrass, orange and cedarwood oils, a blend for "when you feel the need to relax and trust that all is happening as it should be", according to this book. I went to work today and it was easy to get back into it - this is always the busiest time of the year, but it feels right after the indulgent slowness and quiet of Christmas.

On the journey my mind was spinning - being in a moving vehicle really does help me think. It's similar when I am walking, running or swimming, but perhaps the passiveness and sedentary nature of being a passenger, with something external moving you through space, means the thinking process is more dreamlike. During exercise my thinking is sharper, clearer and I kind of talk to myself in my mind, whereas on a journey my thoughts swirl more and are often more surprising and seem to come from my subconscious.

I had made my resolutions for this year, but as I was trying to sleep on the plane and later on the cold bus, many more formed in my head - it was more dreaming than planning. The images that came were of cats, gardens and interiors of houses (moving house is on the cards this year, and I would love for it to include a cat and the possibility to get into gardening, something I have always admired but have very little direct experience of) . Many other things, too, but the point isn't so much what it was about, but rather that I am excited about the future, that I have so many ideas and plans and dreams and the energy to seize the day.

I am guilty of letting days go by without filling them in ways that are satisfactory or at least appreciate what they bring when I don't have the luxury to fill them as I please. I don't mean that they have to be extraordinary, but every day is precious. So I am using this evening to order my thoughts, see what my priorities are this month and make space for social and creative stuff as well as work.

I am reading a beautiful book (Deirdre Madden's Molly Fox's Birthday - more on this soon) and have a pile of others to look forward to (among them Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides -thanks again, A&A!- and The Light Years by Elizabeth Jane Howard), and that alone ensures a pleasant easing into the new year.

(The photo is of one of my nightdresses)

Objects and memories

2012-01-08T14:21:00.000Z

When I visited my family last year, I spent several days in a cathartic letter-and-diary-burning frenzy.

I have been thinking about this and about memory in general a lot since I read The Sense of an Ending (I won't divulge more - I try not to include spoilers when talking about books here), and I just dug out this article from my bookmarks (she also has a beautiful blog), which says it better than I could. I wanted to "smoke [people] out of my life", too. I also found it painful to reread those words from years ago and felt it served no purpose to hold on to them and revisit the past or leave them for others to read.

As somebody who loves reading biographies, autobiographies and collections of correspondence, which are easier to write and in the case of the latter only possible if the subject's letters and diaries remain, perhaps I should be in favour of preserving personal writings for posterity*, although I do have mixed feelings about posthumous revelations (especially when no consent was given). The writings and other paraphernalia people leave behind necessarily represent only a tiny portion of the complexity of a life, and the snippets we salvage are often taken out of context and misinterpreted. A false story can be constructed. Of course this is a problem that all biographers face, and words have limitations.

This very space is a kind of diary that anybody can read. But it is written with that in mind and a million miles away from something I wrote for myself or others wrote to me privately.

It was a relief to get rid of all these remnants from the past, even if I have no control over the letters I wrote. Expunging the physical reminders of certain phases in my life does not delete the memories themselves, but I am a big believer in decluttering one's life, and this was a crucial part.

On my visit this time, however, I didn't get rid of anything, but instead searched for things that I had been thinking of recently, like the beautiful mountain-and-moon necklace in the photo. My late father brought it back from a trip (my sisters also got one each) years ago, and I rarely wore it at the time. It ended up in my jewellery box, occasionally to be looked at.

A few weeks ago it popped into my mind and I made a note to look for it. When I found it, as well as other pieces that hadn't seen daylight in years, I made a resolution to wear more jewellery, especially the jewellery that was given to me and has meaning beyond its appearance. Although some time ago I decided not to save anything for special occasions and instead use the things I love, it somehow never extended to jewellery. I was too worried about losing it. Seeing my sisters both wear the necklaces my younger sister had commissioned for the three of us almost every day made me reconsider this. One of the quotes I have attached to my mirror is about letting go the things that are taken from you (to which my sister added the words "or replace them" when I ordered a replacement for a scarf I had lost!...). I will be sad if I lose an object precious to me, but this outcome is better than never using the object in the first place.

*Since I don't expect to become famous and my letters and notebooks will hardly be of interest to the wider world, I exclude myself from that. My aunt is compiling a chronicle of our family. If subsequent generations decide to do the same, they may not find much among my belongings.

Wooden boxes

2012-01-05T14:15:00.000Z

Last year around this time my flight back to Ireland was cancelled due to snowstorms. While we've been spared the ice of previous years so far, there is a storm raging outside right now - hailstones and snow included -, and I am holed up in a room upstairs in my mother's house burning lavender oil to get rid of the headache I got in response to the changing weather. Running is cancelled today, as is, sadly, a trip to see my older sister and her husband (due to the weather, not my head).

My holidays are coming to an end. I didn't get to read all the books I'd planned to, and I didn't finish the illustrations I am working on (and haven't started the new ones - well, there are still a few days left), but I am content. Spending time with my family is my priority.

While I used up all the yarn I'd brought with me, I haven't tackled any of the more complicated patterns and ideas that are gathering in my notebook. Instead I got distracted by storage for craft supplies.

At home I have a perfectly sized box to store long knitting needles, but my mum has this cute wooden box for circular needles (the cover slides off), and another one for crochet hooks, and I am inspired to make something similar:

They must be from the 1970s. I love how they are decorated. They are functional and pretty - I always aim for both with practical things. I don't think I own a single item of plastic storage.

While most of the stuff in my house doesn't require elaborate storage solutions because I keep it to a minimum, my art and craft supplies are growing and therefore I frequently reorganise my space. If I keep things in containers that are nice to look at, they can be displayed - I store a lot of food in kilner jars on the kitchen counter, for example, and they are decorative as well as practical. I also like having things within easy reach and view, especially when it comes to art and crafts materials - that way I will use them more, and the added benefit is that I feel more creative in a home that displays the tools needed for creating.

Cautiously optimistic (intentions for 2012)

2012-01-03T15:42:00.000Z

I feel a bit torn about sharing plans and resolutions, here as well as offline. I find myself talking about some "project" I am working on and I worry it sounds pretentious. But I like the accountability that comes with sharing. I often tell people about my plans and dreams, in the hope that it will give me more of an incentive to actually realise them instead of having to admit failure or defeat. But I don't really care if I have to do the latter - I have become more gentle with myself. It also helps not to have a strict timeline - all those things I wanted to do years ago may be part of a (never actually expressed as such) ten-year plan, in which case I still have a year or two...

A lot of my long-term dreams have come true. I always wanted to live in Ireland, by the sea, and that's what I'm doing (the donkey in the garden hasn't materialised yet, though, but there is a field full of them just around the corner). I wanted to work as an artist, and although I'm not a full-time artist, I am happy I am working in the arts and grateful that I get the odd commission, and I find teaching fulfilling and inspiring. But in the last few years I have felt a bit stuck, stagnating, and although I realise that it may have been necessary, a time of healing, this year I have felt ready to get out of it.

Some years I didn't make any resolutions, and I can't say with certainty whether making any would have changed anything, but I found that this year it helped me to have some words to guide me. I wrote them on the first page of my notebook and checked in occasionally. For me not making any feels like there is no structure; time just goes by without the thrill of new beginnings and fresh starts.

For 2011 I wanted to focus on the areas of health, work (the freelance part), relationships and fitness. I did get my health back in order, and I started exercising seriously as opposed to half-arsed. I got my own website, though never developed it (and haven't told many real-life people), and I started to work on something that I hope will turn into part-time work someday (small steps). I also connected with people more.

So this year I want to continue with and build on all of the above.
As well as:

- Get better at working from home. Dedicate a portion of the day to working on commissions, etc., and stop telling people I'm flexible and available.

- Keep running and swimming and vary my routine more. Maybe sign up for a race or two. And walk more. Also finally acquire all the appropriate gear I need for these activities. It took me years to get the few items I own. I love clothes, but workout clothes were never a priority for me. Now that I have realised that not having any clean running clothes can easily stop me from going for a run, I will get some more - and I might even get walking boots (for hill walking).

- Get my hair cut professionally at least four times. For years I never went to the hairdresser, arguing that with long hair you didn't need to. I cringe when I look at old photos. Bad hair days aplenty. And although my sisters are quite capable, when I finally discovered the benefits of having your hair cut professionally it was a eureka moment, as I became aware that this was one important part of self-care and self-respect I had ommitted for so long, a simple ritual of changing your outer appearance and along with it something within (yes, I feel quite strongly about the transformative powers of having someone take care of your hair).

-Follow the skincare regimen that seems to work at the moment (involving oils - more soon) and start wearing SPF again

- Draw every day, anything

- Daily meditation, yoga or progressive muscle relaxation (I did well for a while, but fell off the mat in the last couple of months)

-Similarly, deep breathing every day - so important for overall health and calm, and so easy to forget

-Send more snail mail. I have a proper fountain pen and a small stationery collection. It's one of life's pleasures to receive something in the mail, but it has become so rare.

- Eat sugar-, dairy- and wheat-free most of the time, but treats are allowed.

- Be a better friend (see snail mail, but also to those around me - make more of an effort. I have lost touch with several old friends, and I am to blame for the most part. I know this is bound to happen after living in three different countries, but I could have been better at correspondence. Recent e-mails from people I haven't seen in years have moved me, and I intend to write more and see the friends who live near me more often)

-Maybe start cohabiting

So nothing major, no huge adventures planned (although the last thing on the list feels huge to me), but all these small things feel like steps in the right direction, and most importantly, they feel right.

Slightly neurotic planner thoughts

2012-01-01T19:01:00.000Z

A new year, a new diary (the planner kind).

I know people (and I am sure there are a lot of them) who don't have a planner, and I both admire them and cannot believe how they function. I would love the freedom I imagine comes with not having a diary, but in my case that would soon translate into panic and anxiety. I have to write everything down. And I'm not even a person with a crazy schedule. My life is quite simple.

Even though I like to think of myself as well organised, I am not very good at diaries. It used to start with the timing of buying a new one - I'd always forget and would spend the first few days of January feeling unanchored due to the lack of a physical manifestation of the structure of my days. Then there would be the frantic hunt for an appropriate diary, made difficult by the fact that most people buy them in advance. Also, I always need one with one week on a two-page spread, as I have to be able to see the whole week. I can't imagine working with a day-per-page view - I'd lose the whole picture (even though I try not to think in terms of weeks). Anyway, the weekly diaries are few in numbers come January.

So this time I was prepared and bought one, my first Moleskine diary, in the middle of December.

new versus old

And with it I have found an even better type of diary. It has the week on the left page and a whole page for notes on the right. This is genius! Because it's not like I have so many appointments every day - most of what I write down is something I either need to remember or I need to do at some stage, but not necessarily that day, ideas, random thoughts, etc. All that can go on the right page now, including a general to-do list, which I used to transfer from one day to the next if the tasks hadn't been ticked off.

To illustrate the craziness that is my brain, a typical two-page spread in my old diaries used to look like this (and I have blurred it not because there is anything that absolutely needs to be kept private, but because I am embarrassed by the things I take down):

I really hope that this is a thing of the past. I will still write down ideas during the day that I will then transfer into my other notebook, which I don't carry in my bag (and which has categories), but I expect it to be less chaotic.

The other great thing about this new diary is that it is very small and light. My last one was small, too, but before that I used to carry an A5 diary around with me, and that meant even more mad scribbling (and more weight in my bag). I am proud I was able to downsize.

Oh, and it has a pocket and adhesive labels for all kinds of (and some strange) things you may want to mark:

[As always when I post about specific brands, Moleskine does not know I am singing its praises, and I am not getting paid for this.]

Some good memories of 2011

2011-12-29T12:03:00.000Z

Although my camera lives in my bag, I am not very good at actually remembering to take pictures, especially when I am out in the world and with people, but here are some moments from this year that were captured and that (I think) I haven't posted before.

Swimming naked here:

Lots of walks and runs in my neighbourhood:

Birthday picnic interrupted by showers and transferred to the car:

Private concerts:

Two weddings -

my little sister's:

and a dear friend's:

Climbing mountains (still smiling at the bottom):

Putting on our children's show with my favourite storyteller:

Spending quite a bit of time on boats:

just the two of us for a spontaneous weekend trip,

for island visits with my older sister + husband,

and with the honeymooners:

The kindness of people in the college, manifest in our office:

I lost my fear of public speaking this year (at least the utter sense of panic), was healthier than ever, ended a pattern of destructive relationships and drama and committed fully to my current relationship (and have been very lucky that he was so patient and forgiving), started seeing a counsellor again, stopped caring so much what others think, decluttered and organised the hell out of my entire life (slightly exaggerating), indulged my obsession with silk, joined the pool again, discovered green smoothies, grew my collection of essential oils, spent more time with my family, and painted and crafted not as much as I would have liked, but enough to feel I am back in the creative zone.

These are some of the good things from this year, from my own personal bubble. There were lows and losses, too, but they shall remain private for the most part. Certain things still hurt, and I am still learning from some of them. These last days of the year are for reflection, and I haven't even begun to order my thoughts.

I had plans and intentions for this year - some materialised, others didn't, but I won't beat myself up; I make them to guide me, not to dominate me. More on that soon.

Wabi-sabi

2011-12-27T11:34:00.001Z

Christmas at my family's house is more wabi-sabi than magazine perfection.

Case in point: headless crib figurines

I like wabi-sabi.

Regarding the tree, the priority is that it is cat-safe (as is the case with just about everything else in the house; one of the cats has figured out how to open the bread bin), but we still have real candles (lit only when somebody is in the room):

In the past every single ornament we had (and we have hundreds) would go on the tree, but in recent years it has become more minimalistic. The baubles are glass ones we painted when we were younger, and my mum made the straw stars.

Over the next few days things might be a bit chaotic here, as I'm trying to solve some technical problems (to do with two different Google accounts) and update a few elements. In case I don't post again before January I want to thank you all for reading and wish you a Happy New Year!

Coming home for Christmas

2011-12-23T08:16:00.000Z

Santas running - in Ireland, not Germany

I arrived in Germany on Sunday. I come here twice a year for three or four weeks. It always feels strange coming home to my old home, and then also going back home to Ireland. I would prefer to see my family more times during the year even if that meant shorter visits, but this makes more sense, and I am so grateful I can do it.

The reason I am able to spend such large chunks of time here is because my work in the college is not full-time. Which doesn't mean that I don't work while I am here - there are commissions and then my own work, and with so much time on my hands I am able to dedicate several hours a day to creating. And with my laptop I can work from anywhere in the world. So far I haven't done any work, though; it always takes me a few days to settle in.

I got a bad cold just before I left Ireland (just when it had struck me that I hadn't had a single cold all year), so the journey was a bit miserable, but I wore lots of layers (being stuck in an airport last year taught me to wear more clothes), and the lavender oil I always carry with me helped me to sleep a bit on the plane - I rub it on my temples, the back of my neck and my wrists and it becomes a protective cocoon of calm.

We had snow on Tuesday, but now it is just wet. Yesterday I wrapped up and went for a half-hour run, and it was actually perfect running weather - I didn't mind the rain at all. Until I realised that there's a huge hole in one of my trainers. No wonder, they must be at least five years old - I left them here when I was about to get new ones in Ireland. The years go by so fast and whenever I come back here it hits me that both people and things have got older.

So once Christmas is over I will buy a new pair of trainers and leave them at my mum's house. Since I spend so much time here I figured it is easier to just get certain items twice and leave one here, especially when it comes to running gear, cosmetics and art materials. It has taken me all this time to establish some sort of routine. In the past travelling was always haphazard and chaotic. I must admit, I have been doing this for nine years -I moved to Ireland in 2002-, but only recently have I started to find ways to make it all go more smoothly. I guess I never thought about it much, but now I like to have certain routines so I can focus on the important things.

I wish I could just travel with hand luggage and be free, and I am getting closer to that ideal: this time my suitcase was five kg lighter than in the summer, and this was with heavier winter clothes and including presents! I did bring books, the ones I am currently reading, even though there is no need really, as my mum's house is full of books, so there is no shortage of reading material and unexpected discoveries.

I have come home to huge soft square pillows (Matt reckons this is a German thing), Christmas cookies, Lebkuchen and Stollen, the darker, melancholy landscape with dense fairytale forests and creeks, and precious time with my family. Every visit I appreciate it more.

Real books

2011-12-19T18:20:00.000Z

I have bought a good few novels recently. During my last decluttering episode I decided to get rid of a number of novels, the ones I was sure I wouldn't read again. I thought I would try to mostly borrow novels from the library instead of buying them. And, if I were to buy any, then there are charity shops, bookcrossing, and passing them on to friends or family.

I don't want to start reading on a kindle. It may be great for travelling, and the minimalist in me likes the idea, but I love physical books -their smell, look and tactility, even the sound of turning pages- too much. I like being able to open a different page to check something while still having the current page open, to have it all there at once, not just one page at a time.

I don't see books as visual clutter, as filled bookshelves can look very decorative, but I don't like the idea of "dead" books - books that sit there never to be read again, when someone somewhere might like to read them. So generally that is my criteria - those books have to go.

The reason I did buy piles of novels again, without knowing whether I would like them enough to reread, is that they were beautiful. There are several books I own that I display as works of art, and I don't tire of looking at them. And I love dandelion seed heads, so I had to get the hardback edition of The Sense of an Ending (I also had heard great things about it).

Apparently making visually beautiful books is big right now (I love that Barnes thanked his book designer in his Booker acceptance speech), when e-readers are becoming more popular, in the same way that in recent years a lot of musicians have released CDs in elaborate packages, with extensive booklets and extra material, as an answer to the rise of digital music.

Now that I think of it, I don't have many ugly books. I don't like neon colours, and sometimes I find bright-orange spines with black and white writing a bit too much. I don't like it when a non-chick-lit book gets the chick-lit treatment (including a swirly candy-coloured font and often some cringeworthy illustration of The Modern Woman), and I was very disappointed when I saw what one English edition has done to Pippi Longstocking (it involved glitter on the cover, and Pippi looked sort of sexualised). But most of the books I own I actually really like the look of.

So perhaps I will never be a minimalist when it comes to books and instead will end up with the big library I used to dream of having one day, dust and all.

Out of the rut

2011-12-12T22:28:00.000Z

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how hard it is to make certain decisions. I have been struggling with getting it right. On the one hand I realise I need to learn to say no more often, because my inability to do so has landed me in all kinds of trouble in the past and keeps making my life difficult and more stressful than necessary; but on the other hand I feel I sometimes have to push myself and say yes to more things - that perhaps I try to avoid too many social situations (because I often feel awkward), for instance, or other challenging, frightening things. It's about finding some kind of equilibrium between being Marina and making an effort, stepping out of my comfort zone. I wish I were able to instinctively know which situation calls for which approach, but I guess it's not that easy.

Sometimes I feel a nudge, though. After a row of days of the same routine, I know it's probably good to say yes to something that comes my way. One small example from last week: it was a rather unstructured day and I was very close to just going home after work, like on all other days that week, where I would then probably procrastinate and feel lethargic and go to bed early. That had suited me fine all week - I am in hibernating mood. But on Friday, after hesitating and resisting at first, I followed my friend's suggestion to go into town and to an exhibition.

My workplace is quite close to town, a ten-, 15- minute walk, yet if often seems too overwhelming a prospect to me, especially in the colder months. I might feel achey and tired, and not in the mood for rain and wind and dodging fellow pedestrians and cars, the bustle of an -admittedly small- city. [Oh, and at this time of the year, the pre-Christmas mayhem.]

But I did make it into town, walking in the fading light, and it was exactly what I needed. The studio sale was in one of the most picturesque parts of the city (see photos), which I don't frequent nearly enough, the work exhibited was beautiful (and we bought a few pieces for the university's collection), and I watched the night fall on the water, with velvety, rich shades of blue. It all injected energy and joy into an otherwise unremarkable string of days.

So many good books...

2011-12-09T09:38:00.000Z

...and so little time. Being aware of the abundance of good reads that is out there carries a bittersweet tone for me, as it is a reminder of how short life is and that a lifetime is not enough to read all the books I want to read. Browsing bookshops, though one life's greatest pleasures, I often get this visceral sense of panic at the brevity of life. But I digress.

Particularly around this time of year so many good new titles come out. The Guardian's Review section and I are inseparable on a Saturday, and it is one of my main sources of book recommendations. While I sometimes have a problem with critics (particularly when they are downright nasty and have the power to destroy an artist, or when a book/film/CD/artwork is graded. After all, so much of it is subjective - any individual's opinion reflects their individual taste), I love the mostly thoughtful reviews and the palpable enthusiasm of the favourable ones in Review.

Here are some of the books that are currently on my to-read list (just noticed a heavy leaning towards memoirs here) :

Blue Nights by Joan Didion: I read her memoir The Year of Magical Thinking about her husband's death, and this is about their daughter's death shortly after. Certainly no easy read. Grief memoirs have taken a beating recently, but I think Didion's are an exception and among the more powerful ones.

Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson: I actually haven't read any of her books, only some essays and articles, which I loved. The latest was an excerpt from this memoir, and it was beautifully written. I wonder whether I should read one of her novels first; I tend to read a writer's fictional output before reading the life, the background story (in the same way that I prefer to read the book before seeing a movie version), but it can be interesting to do it the other way around, approaching the fiction with that prior knowledge of what shaped it. And of course art and life are intrinsically linked.

Instead of a Book: Letters to a Friend by Diana Athill: I like her style. I also want to get her book about ageing, Somewhere Towards the End. I love reading books by or about older people, their insights, their wisdom, invariably finding it all reassuring, comforting, somehow; it alleviates my own fear of getting older and death.

Look at Me by Jennifer Egan (written a decade ago, but has been reissued recently): About a model, perception, seeing and being seen. I focused on aesthetics when studying Philosophy and am obsessed with writings -fiction as well as non-fiction- about seeing and looking.

The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides: I loved The Virgin Suicides (still haven't read Middlesex), and I really enjoyed this interview with Adam Thirlwell.

Clicking on each book cover will take you to the author's website, a review or the book's amazon page (I also always link the book under "Currently reading" in the sidebar. No affiliate links or anything!)

Wavy weave

2011-12-06T15:30:00.000Z

I keep learning new things about knitting. The latest is nice and lazy - an open weave that's very fast to knit. I found it through a pattern on the yarn ball band of the berry-coloured wool in the second picture.

You knit wrapping the yarn around the needle twice for every stitch (i.e. in between stitches). In the next row you drop the extra wraps from the previous row, and so on. I like the light weight and the wave-like appearance. I used the blue wool for a thin short scarf and made a cowl with the other wool by knitting a scarf and joining the ends.

Whenever I saw a knit like this I used to think it had been made with gigantic needles... Now that mystery has been solved!

Light and bright november

2011-12-03T13:40:00.000Z

It has a bad reputation, but this year it was not at all oppressive. I quite liked November.

Proof of the light-filled days:

Granted, in the last picture the sun was struggling. There were days of all-blue skies, too, but I love the drama of the changing weather patterns in this part of the world.

December started with rain, but thankfully no ice. Today was the first time I thought it a remote possibility to wear a winter coat and threw it on the backseat in the car before I headed out (spending the weekend at Matt's while he is out of the country). I recently read some advice that advocated not making more than three plans for the weekend, otherwise you could end up over-scheduling. I do the latter all the time and wonder why I feel overwhelmed. It has been so freeing to apply that 3-plans "rule". Of course I don't adhere to it rigidly. But no more than three things are planned in advance (as in before the weekend), and then I can spontaneously throw in some more arrangements if I feel like it. It is nice to have long stretches of time to myself, to do with as I please. This weekend's plans so far are a work party and meeting a friend for a walk. Yesterday evening was spent reading, knitting and thinking up recipes and going to bed ridiculously early, after a week of rising at 6.30 to go swimming before work. My body is hurting, in a good way, and I think I will have a rest day tomorrow.

In the water

2011-11-30T18:30:00.000Z

Since the end of the summer I haven't been swimming in the sea much - my favourite activity for forgetting all my worries (when the cold hits you, you don't think about stuff)- but I'm in the pool at least four times a week, and while it is not as breathtaking as being in the ocean, it still has its benefits. In a recent post I lauded running, but swimming is up there with it, another solitary sport I enjoy. [ I think I did too many team sports when I was younger. At this stage in my life I like exercising on my own, although it's also nice to have a running buddy.]

What I love so much about swimming is that you do not touch the ground; you are temporarily suspended (if in a body of water), and it's the closest I can come to flying in my day-to-day life.
I also like that while I'm in the water I am away from my mobile phone and the world, no one can reach me (unless they come into the pool!), and everything just falls away. Until you end up in the sauna, and suddenly human interaction is on the agenda again.

In the last two weeks I have become more serious about my swimming routine. Until then I tended to spend far more time in the sauna and steam room and less than 15 minutes in the pool. Now I regularly do 1000 metres and am hoping to keep it up.

In my ~~gym~~ swim bag (which was a gift from my sister. I love it - such a gorgeous colour and retro style - thanks again, Sibylle!):

- Flip flops. I am not sqeamish about these things, but I'd prefer not to get athlete's foot, and the floors and showers can be quite wet and slippery, so I wear flip flops. The leopard print and glitter of my current ones -and long may they last- brighten my mornings.

- Goggles. Mine are similar to, if not the same as, these (and I am so glad the shop I went to had such a small selection - looking them up online I am amazed at the variety; I'd be so indecisive), and I am very happy with them. My last pair started leaking recently; it was more fidgety (and more expensive), and I prefer the new ones.

- Bikini. This is an adidas bikini made for proper swimming. I may get a swim suit at some stage (even with this bikini I sometimes find myself checking if everything is still where it ought to be), but I like to be as naked as possible, with not too much material between the water and me. The same goes for the sauna and steamroom (in Ireland you have to wear swimwear in the sauna).

- Not pictured: swimming hat, towel, hairband, 1-euro coin for the locker, wide-toothed wooden comb for detangling hair prior to blow-drying it, soap, shampoo, moisturiser, and change of underwear

On the days I go swimming I am more careful about what I wear - sometimes I am still steaming from the steam room, and then it is very hard to get into a tight lace top. So I usually wear comfortable tights or leggings and a dress, making it as hassle-free as possible. Sometimes, if I have to be somewhere, I only have a quick water-only shower after my swim.

From last week

2011-11-28T17:31:00.000Z

"Short stories are a modern invention and reflect something of the loneliness of the acts of writing and reading." (Lorna Sage in her introduction to The Garden Party and Other Stories by Katherine Mansfield)

1| Escaping into books. Pocket-sized reading makes for a lighter handbag (my right shoulder has been hurting from being on the computer and knitting, and carrying a heavy handbag doesn't help). Katherine Mansfield is one of my favourite short fiction writers.

2| Painting with watercolours and trying to decide what to use this blackboard for

3| To the Lighthouse - a long walk on a sunny warm-ish day (last year on that day we had snow!)

4| Knitting and catching up with all the weekend papers that had accumulated

It was also the last week of teaching before January. I tend to crash when a phase of work is over and get a cold or something similarly trivial but slightly annoying, but it hasn't happened yet and maybe/hopefully won't. I still have other work for a few weeks, but I like having more time for my own art practice. I feel so inspired when I see my students' work, but invariably my own work suffers - teaching, as much as I love it, takes a lot of energy. I don't know how full-time teachers do it. On Friday I spent almost the entire day painting, only stopping to boil the kettle (and to eat), and the knot of tension I had felt in my stomach gradually disappeared (only to come back today. Work this morning has left me frazzled and feeling low, but that's another story, and some meditation tonight might help). It's so good to be in the Flow.

Five-second drawing...

2011-11-24T12:30:00.000Z

...and you can tell. However, I am quite fond of it.

It captured a lovely moment, sitting in front of the fire with Matt, sipping Pinot Noir. I drew it on Matt's iPad, a medium I never use normally (incidentally, David Hockney has been "painting" on the iPhone and iPad a lot). It may have been my only creative output that day, but it still counts. It was just a spontaneous doodle and not at all how I usually sketch (nor is that my usual handwriting), but it has made me recommit to drawing every day. I often find it hard because I worry I'll get frustrated if the outcome is not what I aimed for. But then I think of this quote, which is on the wall in my studio:

"To practise any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make the soul grow. So do it."
- Kurt Vonnegut

On my mind

2011-11-20T14:05:00.000Z

Saturday reading... I like how my name slipped into this photo - didn't notice when I took it!

...Running.

I am just back from a perfect run (the type that feels like flying; I didn't have to stop and walk, no side stitches, almost no effort). Now I am letting a hair mask of coconut oil with eucalyptus do its wonders before I shower, taking advantage of the fact that my head is steaming after the run, and heat and hair masks go together (keeping the heat in with a shower cap).

I finally got Haruki Murakami's book about running. After scanning the Memoir section in the bookshop, I found it in the Sports section - in my opinion it belongs in both. I have only started reading it, but am loving it already and would have bought it for the foreword alone ("Just a book in which I ponder various things and think out loud").

The above is a sketch I did for a mental health project that asked people what they do to build their resilience. I chose running by the sea, and, after fretting about it for a while, I just went for a literal illustration - runners, shells, sand, water. I find being close to the sea healing and getting sweaty cathartic, and combining running and the sea is a cure for everything, and I am only exaggerating a little bit!

This morning I had to persuade myself to go for a run, and I am so glad I did. When I'm feeling lazy I just have to remember that I always feel better after a run, physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't have a strict timetable for exercise: The swimming part is easy; it gets incorporated into my workday. With running I try to aim for three times a week, but my general "rule" is, especially in the colder months, if the weather is nice and I have time, I go for a run, no excuses. On wet and windy days I don't feel bad if I don't go. November is still very kind (with an interlude of flooding rain on Thursday), and it has been easy to get Vitamin D and exercise. I hope I'll stick to my routine.

Restoring calm, or a semblance thereof

2011-11-17T12:00:00.000Z

Button, thread, afternoon light

I have, for the most part, stopped stressing about everything so much, rushing, anticipating the future and losing the present moment. Reframing is the magic word, turning chores and routines into meditation and enjoyment.

Take walking to get somewhere (as opposed to walking for the sake of walking - but really they shouldn't be that different): I used to rush, thinking of where I was heading. Going into town from work - which isn't even that far - I would walk briskly, forgetting to breathe properly, and wonder why I was exhausted upon arriving. Lately I have been focusing on my breathing, on the air, on sights and sounds and smells, and enjoying the walk, the journey. It makes such a difference. I can still walk fast, thus getting some exercise out of it, and enjoy it for that. It doesn't leave me depleted as before.

I think I used to be this ball of tension and it drained the life out of me.

Finished!

All those unfinished knitting projects that were everywhere in my house, with their threads hanging out physical reminders of the loose ends in my life right now, have been tamed. I always thought I disliked weaving in the ends. It seemed necessary but boring (I also thought I didn't really know how to do it - turns out there is no right way). When I finally set to work on it I actually found it quite enjoyable and the feeling of accomplishment almost stronger than while actually knitting - obviously because this is the point where it turns from a work-in-progress into a finished piece.

Similarly, I also used to put off mending clothes, sewing on buttons, etc. Now I find it therapeutic. [Although, I might have thought I was very mindful sewing on a button on Matt's jacket, but I totally managed to sew the pocket together in the process! Start again...]

The list goes on. I like tidying and cleaning because it restores some semblance of order and calm to my world, if only for a brief time before it has to be repeated. But there are certain chores that I used to dread at times. After dinner the pile of dishes in the sink can look a bit daunting, especially if you feel you could go to sleep. I reframed it in my mind - it gives me the opportunity to stand and move after sitting at the table and makes me feel more energetic. Now I get up and just do the dishes. And then they're done. Easy. And while I do them I focus on the task and it becomes a meditation.

Apparently, for unemployed people small things like going to the post office can become a huge chore. I am like that sometimes (though luckily not unemployed): when I have a lot of free, unstructured time, the small things just grow. Whereas during busy times I get into a rhythm of just getting on with stuff. I am trying to approach everything in this way all the time now, incorporating whatever comes up into the flow of my days. After all things big and small all make up the rhythm of our lives.

Obviously there are still moments when I get stressed, tasks I dread, and situations I find difficult to navigate or enjoy, and I don't go around with a constant Zen-like smile on my face, but on the whole my life has become so much easier since I started focusing on what I am doing in the moment and seeing the beauty in everything.

Life mostly isn't ordered and calm; it is chaotic and unpredictable, and that makes it so exciting, but it is good to know, especially for an anxiety-plagued person like me, that certain areas can be made somewhat calmer and more ordered and thus replenish our energy, making it easier to face life's struggles and turmoil.

Green

2011-11-14T16:54:00.001Z

(1. kale, 2. curly kale, 3. kale in my Green Monster, and 4. apples, for balance - I know, what a well-edited selection... In my defense, there has been a lot of kale in my life, and it's very photogenic. Also, I was going to crop the last picture to take out the mouldy grout but decided to keep it real...)

Despite my best intentions, I haven't been eating that healthily lately (I blame my sister and her husband's visit - once you've eaten out a couple of times, it's hard to stick to your habits).

Mainly I started eating bread again. A lot. Quite often with nutella - my downfall. Eating less sugar has made my taste buds very sensitive - most sweet things I find too sweet. But nutella is an exception. I never buy it usually, because when it's there I will eat it. As is the case now.

I don't think bread is the devil; a healthy diet can include bread. But personally I find eating more than a slice a day makes me tired, heavy and lethargic. I'm not really allergic to gluten, but I feel so much better without it.

I know my family think I worry too much about food. And I want to be relaxed about it. If I'm invited somewhere I will still eat everything that's put in front of me, and enjoy it, but in my own house I want to eat in a way that makes me feel good. With the occasional treat, of course.

The whole food thing has become so much more important since I started a more rigorous exercise routine - what you eat affects your stamina, etc., so much.
Other areas, too - medical, especially - I don't know to what extent food played a role, but I am certain it is not to be underestimated: last year I was sick every few weeks; this year I have only been sick once or twice.

And then even seemingly trivial things, like noticing that the corners of my mouth don't get chapped and sore if I eat enough oils, or Matt commenting that when our paths first crossed two years ago he thought I looked ill and puffy in my face, have made me more aware of food issues. All this tells me it is a big deal. I may sound fussy and precious when I talk about it, but food is such a crucial element of our wellbeing. If people feel healthy and good eating a not-so-great diet, good for them. But I know I don't.

Anyway, I am just getting back into a healthier regime again. Green foods are making an appearance more often instead of going off in the fridge (I hate when food goes off). I am replacing the bread with millet and quinoa as before. Throughout these two weeks of craving and consuming stodgy foods I did drink a green monster almost every single day, so that hadn't changed.

Since I posted three photos of kale, I should mention how I use it. I usually don't do anything fancy - I like it steamed as a side with whatever meal I'm having. Sometimes I put it in soups and green smoothies (though spinach is nicer in the latter), and I like making a batch of kale chips - I use this recipe and only season with coarse sea salt and cracked black pepper.

Sloe progress

2011-11-11T21:43:00.001Z

I love the taste, but making sloe gin is also aesthetically pleasing. Whenever I go to Matt's place now, the first thing I do is take a picture or two of the gin. It changes every day and makes me want to get out my watercolours. I am sure it will keep me entertained for the months it'll take to infuse.

November has been quite mild so far. We had two cloudless days in a row and I went running on both and realised that for me the weather plays a huge part when it comes to exercise. Those two days I wanted to run so badly, it was all I could think about when I woke up. I admire those runners who do not let the weather deter them. Running in the rain (gentle rain) is fine and can be exhilarating, but throw in strong wind, and I chicken out - running against the wind gives me headaches and leaves me feeling exhausted. There are gale-force winds right now, so I am not sure my running gear will make an appearance this weekend, but that's okay. When I didn't run or swim this week I walked, walked, and walked, to soak up as much sun as possible, so a weekend of rest sounds tempting.

Current obsessions

2011-11-09T22:04:00.000Z

1. Late evening novel-reading and knitting (not simultaneously). It's a good thing I love this yarn so much, as this is attempt number 3 after two unravellings... I guess it's all about the journey.

2. Coconut water (diluted with water, because I am poor - this stuff is not cheap) after a run. Maybe it's just a fad and a placebo effect, but I really feel better rehydrated when I drink this. My coconut obsession knows no end (I drink this, I use coconut oil in food and on my hair and skin, shredded coconut in various recipes) - I should be half coconut by now.

3. Soft legwear. I don't like it when tights come up to your armpits or cut into your stomach. In the spring and autumn I tend to wear stockings, as I find them more comfortable, but winter calls for complete coverage (though I also own a pair of wool stockings - they might work with a heavy coat). I also don't like hosiery that feels like plastic. Life is too short. I found these extremely soft viscose-based tights and have been living in them. I can wear them all day, whereas with other tights I often have the urge to take them off as soon as I get home. I used to have all kinds of crazy colours, but at the moment I like greys a lot, and they work better with colourful dresses.

Picking sloes

2011-11-05T19:50:00.000Z

This morning we finally made it out to a quiet country cul-de-sac to pick sloes (not, as Matt suggested, on the side of a busy road - I had a panic attack at the thought of it). I wish we'd thought of it when my sister and her husband were visiting this week - it was fun.

It's November, and it was a chilly morning, but there is still heat in the sun.

It may look as if I was just taking pictures and Matt was doing all the work, but that's not true. I was faster! My hands have the scratches to prove it.

Since it was a spontaneous idea, I was not prepared. You have to lean into the thorny bushes, so tights, dress and cardigan are not the best items of clothing to wear... My sleeves kept getting caught in the branches.

This is what's left from last year's sloe gin. Matt was anxious to make more before it is gone completely, which is a real concern, as I am responsible for its dwindling (all those homeopathic quantities I have consumed add up).

It has the most beautiful colour, is velvety and sweet, but not sickly sweet. Here is Matt's recipe:

Sloe Gin

Pick the sloes in October or November (two big handfuls to make a 700ml bottle). Remove the stalks and all the woody bits (and any leaves - I somehow picked lots of leaves...). Wash them (the sloes). Put them in the freezer overnight to mimic the effect of a frosty night (unless you pick them after the first frost). Defrost them the following day and prick each berry with a needle, so that the sloes can infuse the gin properly (although Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall says there is no need, as the cold bursts them anyway). Half fill a jar with the sloes, fill with gin, add about half the weight of sloes in sugar or honey, a few cloves, a bit of cinnamon (optional) and shake well. Shake every day for the first week, then every few days, and less often as time goes on. After a few months strain into a bottle. Any sediment will settle after a few weeks. Carefully decant into a clean bottle. Don't leave the sloes in the gin for more than six months.

Apparently sloe gin is also nice in berry compote - the place we went to for lunch today had a dessert including this combination, but I haven't tried it yet.

Embracing the dark

2011-10-29T18:24:00.000+01:00

Staying in....moss stitch wrist warmers (..and a banana)

I don't know whether RTÉ Lyric fm has upped its opera quotient or it's just a coincidence, but lately I have been listening to a lot of opera in the car - this aria from Madame Butterfly stands out in my memory. Driving in the dark still feels like a novelty after the summer, and there is nothing better than combining that with rain and opera on the radio - those voices, often in Italian, which I only understand a little, completely transcend this mundane task. It's such a visceral experience. Of course, hearing it live is amazing, but there is something about the solitary nature oflistening to it in your car driving through the dark that just makes me feel so...human, and small (in a good way), and connected to something bigger. [Incidentally, I love the song Verdi Cries by 10,000 Maniacs - I always think of this when I think of opera.]

I thought I would find it hard to adjust to the shorter days, but I am actually enjoying getting up early and watching the sun rise from my kitchen window, with a candle on the table. It now is still dark when I get to the college, and once I have parked the car, I walk along the river to the gym (the pool), and the lights on the other side of the river reflecting on the water look like Van Gogh's Starry Night over the Rhone.

Life has slowed down a bit, and I am liking it. I used to feel guilty in some strange way about spending a lot of time at home, when I should be out seeing friends or doing things, but I no longer think in terms of "shoulds". Ok, that's a lie - that word still features way too much in my head's vocabulary. Maybe what has changed is that I have become quite unapologetic about being me - I am not the person who goes out a lot and spends weekends in a bubble of sociablility. I am a homebody. I usually prefer dinner parties to eating out, cleaning the house to shopping and being a hermit in my rural-retreat-style home to rushing around town. Although I am always surprised that when I do go out and do stuff how energising it is and how good it feels. And sometimes I may have to be dragged along to something to find that I like it. I guess it's all about doing both and knowing how much of each is right. For me, I do know that I need at least one full day or two half days a week on my own in my house.

This weekend I am hoping to finish some of the things I am knitting, organise my recipe collection, and go for a run (a lot of swimming, but zero running this week so far). My younger sister and her husband are coming tomorrow, and Matt will be back from England on Monday, so I am excited about spending time with loved ones!

From last week

2011-10-24T20:40:00.000+01:00

1. It has been wet wet wet, with flooded roads. But on Saturday we had perfect, crisp autumn weather for a while. We went out for tea and cake and then for a short walk on the prom. Scenes like this remind me why I love this place so much.

2. I made these chocolate nut balls. They contain so many of my favourite food things (cocoa, almonds, my recent discovery coconut oil, cinnamon, bee pollen...) and no sugar. I made a batch and put them in the fridge. The day I made them they tasted ok, but not great, but it seems they improve with age - a few days later they taste amazing (although the two men that tried them did not like them at all...). I think they're a bit like fancy chocolates, but without the sugar. Will definitely make them again.

3. Yes. Sublime yarn. So soft. I am falling in love with moss stitch (alternating knit and purl).

4. I am trying to get into the habit of drawing every day again and have decided to tackle animals for a while. I can draw humans without needing to look at one, but with certain animals it's a different story, as I am not used to drawing them, so I am studying the anatomy of bears, elephants, etc.

5. Another art project - I have been obsessed with taking photographs of anything with interesting line patterns. Not sure where exactly I am going with this, but I printed out all the photos I have taken so far and am playing around with some ideas (love the one of Matt in the wind - he looks like an Old Salt).

Organising craft supplies

2011-10-23T13:33:00.001+01:00

Just as I was beginning to feel smug about my almost super-organised home and the lack of need for storage solutions, I realised that my craft supplies had become one big tangled mess, literally - I spent an hour detangling wool.

My inner minimalist has to accept that being creative means having stuff in the house that's needed for making things. I struggle with this. I guess if I had a big studio I wouldn't worry about it, but with limited space even the amount of paintings I have sitting around tends to stress me out (that's one reason I like to give them away). Now that I am also knitting and crocheting like mad, i.e. on a bigger scale, there is more stuff that needs a home.

As long as there is a place for everything, I can relax. Though I do think that I might benefit from being more the creative-chaos type - perhaps my neat-freak tendencies make me produce less. I am lucky to have one room in the house that I use as a studio, and it has helped tremendously to have my paints, etc. within reach - and sight- instead of stored away. And paints and coloured pencils actually look nice, too.

I need to be able to see things in order to use them, otherwise I kind of "forget" about them. For example, if I keep certain spices at the back of a cupboard, they will rarely make an appearance in the meals I cook. But since I don't want them to clutter up the counters and haven't got a spice rack (I love beautiful glass jars on display), the solution for now is to have them in a drawer with labelled lids. I also store my essential oils like that:

...and some silicea sneaked in there, too...(Click to enlarge images)

So when I realised that my knitting and crochet supplies situation had gone out of hand, I decided to put some of them in a drawer, too. I would love to have them on a shelf, colour-coordinated, but I need to make space first. I am looking at you, CD shelf, in case I ever digitise my music collection...

Bigger balls of yarn and the piece I am currently knitting are still in the canvas bag that was housing the whole mess, but I put smaller balls and works-in-progress, as well as yarn ball bands and notes, in the drawer. When I open it I can see everything. I guess I just have to remember to open it.

Speaking of yarn ball bands, I now also write down everything I make and how I made it in a notebook and stick the bands on the opposite page:

That way I have all the information in one place. I know this may not be the genius idea I feel it is, and most people probably do this by default, but I used to be pretty sloppy about these things and throw out the bands. Keeping the bands is important, as they contain lots of information you might need - name and colour, in case you need to buy more, care instructions, material, weight, gauge, etc.

My knitting needles and crochet hooks live in this nice box, which is displayed in an open shelf:

All this seems to work for now. The next area I need to tackle is my paper collection. It's in a pile in a drawer. The problem with a pile is that you only see the top. I am thinking some sort of overlapping system. Or a folder. I will do a post on it once I have figured it out.

Cats, running, writing... Haruki Murakami

2011-10-19T10:51:00.002+01:00

Haruki Murakami on the cover of The Sunday Times Culture magazine

"I like to read books. I like to listen to music. I collect records. And cats. I don't have any cats right now. But if I'm taking a walk and I see a cat, I'm happy."

(Haruki Murakami in an interview in The Guardian Weekend magazine, 15/10/2011, p.41)

So far I have only read one of Haruki Murakami's books, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Norwegian Wood has been sitting in my bookcase for years, and I still haven't read it), which I did enjoy, but not in the way that would make me hunt for all his other books. However, I am fascinated by the man himself and read every interview with him with great interest. At the moment there is no shortage of them, as he has a new book out. I love reading an author's thoughts about a work of fiction, even when I haven't read the novel itself (yet), and getting a glimpse into their life, how art and life are interwoven.

Before I read any of his other novels, I want to get his recent-ish memoir What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. He runs every day. And writes every day. I admire his discipline. He is Japan's most acclaimed novelist, yet he has managed to remain humble and live quite a simple life. When the memoir first came out, I put it on my reading list but didn't rush out to buy it. Now that running has become such an important part of my life, I am curious to learn what he has to say about it. And of course it is about so much more than running itself.

Greener grass?

2011-10-16T18:49:00.001+01:00

running, weekend papers

Going out with an astronomer means regularly being abandoned when he goes to look at stars (though he doesn't do that much these days) or ~~on mini-holidays~~ to attend conferences all over the world. This week, while he was away, I moved into his apartment, which is sort of in the city. It was like staying in a hotel, because he has the biggest bed I have ever seen (I have a double bed and consider that a luxury - I like sleeping diagonally -, but there are HUGE beds out there), and simply by staying somewhere else you break up your routine and see the world in a different way.

I brought my running gear and went running on the prom every morning at around 8am. It was so easy to do. When I am at home, I usually don't go running until mid-morning, if not in the afternoon, as I can't face it first thing in the morning, but staying at Matt's place I bounced out of bed wanting to go for a run. In The Art of Effortless Living, the author gives various examples of sports people and how they can maximise their potential by letting go, being less tense and relaxing into the activity, like having a wave carry you. While I was running on the prom, it occurred to me that it helped to hear actual waves crashing directly beside me. My house is really close to the sea, but the seashore is all rocks and I have to either drive to get to the nearest beach or do a very long run, so I go running on the bog roads instead. On the prom I can run at the edge of the water, with amazing views of sunlight filtering through the clouds onto the surface of the sea. I must do that more often.

It was also nice to be so close to everything for a change and get a break from the car. I even caught myself thinking that maybe being closer to the city would make my life easier. Even though I don't get annoyed when stuck in traffic (I make the most of it by listening to nice programmes, focusing on my breathing and doing, ahem, pelvic floor exercises...) and even almost enjoy my - admittedly short enough- commute (it's driving by the sea, like in car adverts!), once I have made it home I am unlikely and unwilling to go back into town later that day, so I can't be very spontaneous.

But this morning it felt good to get back to my house. We tend to want what we don't have. When I got home, I was reminded of all the reasons I chose to live here, the space and peace and quiet. I am instantly calmer when I leave the city. I love the ruralness of this place.
So now I am home and making my way through the papers from the last three weekends, cutting out interesting stuff. I baked a lemon cake (this cake I made recently minus the berries) and had a slice with my neighbour, who is 77 and doing a computer course and climbing mountains. Moving to this little house was one of the best decisions I have made, and now that cohabitation might be in the not-so-distant future, along with all the excitement that this change will bring, I am squeezing out every last drop of joy out of every minute I have left living on my own, in this corner of the world.

Big and small

2011-10-13T10:45:00.000+01:00

I don't know whether it's because of my new energising Green Monster habit, but this week I have been able to stay up until 10.30 or even 11pm. That's huge for me (I often succumb to tiredness at 8.30/9pm). It could also be my addiction to knitting and crochet - I think they are perfect evening activities, as they don't require much thinking, but instead let your mind wander.
I tend to have several books on the go (hence the long-lasting occupancy of the sidebar by The History of Love - it's really good, it's just that I am reading other stuff, too), and my approach to knitting and crochet seems to be the same. Right now I have six unfinished projects lingering on the couch and in my crafts bag.
I am playing with extreme sizes - chunky wool with thick needles, thread-like wool with thick needles, thin bamboo needles, tiny crochet lace cuffs. I quite like alternating them; it feels weird at first picking up something delicate after knitting something gigantic with 10mm needles, but it shakes things up nicely.
Side note: I have a knack for purchasing the most expensive yarn - luxurious natural materials and beautiful colours tend to be more pricey. That is bad news if I want to sell them at some stage.

So that's what's been keeping me awake and alert -green liquid and knitting. I've been wondering whether I simply need nine plus hours of sleep every night to function, but this week I have managed to survive on eight (it remains to be seen whether I'll have to catch up at the weekend). It's nice to gain an extra hour.

Yesterday I was in work from 7.30am until 7.30pm (ok, the first hour-and-a-half was in the pool...) and I felt fine. I usually take two hours off between my classes on a Wednesday, but yesterday I spent them running around doing work errands. Last week I made the mistake of working on the computer before teaching that evening, and that did not feel so good. So the trick is to get some fresh air and away from the computer if possible, as well as eating enough protein for lunch.

P.S.: Speaking of tiredness, this post by Zen Habits has some good advice.

Essentials...kind of

2011-10-10T19:20:00.001+01:00

Green Monster, fruit basket

On Saturday I went shopping. That is not a phrase I use very often, because a) I am becoming more and more averse to the acquisition/accumulation of stuff, and b) Saturdays in town give me panic attacks, and since I only work part-time I can easily go shopping during the week, when it's quieter. But I was shopping for things I actually needed - though that's always debatable -, and I reckon the occasional Saturday trip into town is a good exercise to help me overcome my fear of the world.

I finally bought a new dressing gown. It looks like a sheep, which is good. I make a point of always getting dressed properly, even if I am going to spend the whole day at home (especially if I have work to do, I feel I am more productive that way), but in the evening I like to change into nice pyjamas and my dressing gown, so I had been feeling the absence of a gown acutely after my last one disintegrated. I have a lovely summer kimono, too, but Ireland isn't really the country that allows for lounging in a flimsy kimono.

I also bought a hand blender. Catherine commented that hers changed her life, and after only two days of being the owner of a blender I can agree. Because I made a Green Monster, something I had wanted to do for so long. And I have a feeling I will keep making these for the rest of my life. I love spinach and kale, and this means one more way of consuming them. I made mine with goat's milk, spinach, bee pollen, almond butter, sunflower seeds and half a banana, but there are countless possibilities. A friend of mine gave me a recipe for a more savoury super-healthy green smoothie that involves garlic and the like, but I haven't tried that yet.
I also made the soup that's in the photo in the last post (that was the unpuréed version from two weeks ago), and it was even nicer than the first time around, although I like chunky soups, too.

Matt found me a food flask, which I am every excited about, as in highlight-of-the-week-excited (together with the blender...I am very domestic...). I can now have warm homemade lunches at work. That's good news because I am trying to eat less bread, so sandwiches are not an option, or at least not every day, and in the winter my salads or cold leftovers aren't as enticing.

As you can see in the photo, I also bought figs, a rare treat. I love my fruit basket still life.

Apart from buying stuff, I also made a fool of myself in front of the camera for a group exhibition (I was not prepared), got soaked (it's been a bit wet), had lots of cups of tea with friends, knitted and unravelled the result and started again several times, and drove in the dark for the first time in months with my car mix-tape on (apparently I rarely drove at night in the summer).

The health list

2011-10-07T17:40:00.000+01:00

This year I have been in better health than last year and the year before, when I was sick every few weeks. My body seemed to pick one area, and I would keep getting the same thing all the time. It used to be my throat (tonsillitis); more recently it's been my kidneys.
While I have had a few issues this year, overall it is far less frequent and less severe than before. I also used to get colds constantly, but have only had one since Christmas.
There may be a huge number of reasons why my health has improved. I certainly believe in the body-mind connection and that physical illness is often a result of psychological imbalance. There is far less drama in my life right now than even a few months ago. I keep stress levels down through meditation and yoga. I try to be kinder to myself. But I also think I have changed some more tangible things, especially diet-wise, and these are what I want to focus on here, as I usually always talk about the mental health stuff.

I am hesitant to list what seems to work for me, because the irrational part of me believes bad things will happen as a result (because clearly that's how the world works...), but here we go (please note these are just my personal observations and not definitive):

- Taking probiotics. All the antibiotics I was on played havoc with my body. I have been taking these probiotics for a few weeks now, and notice an improvement. (I used to just get acidophilus, but then I did my research and apparently you need different strains of probiotics for different problems)

- Eating more ginger. In soups, in hot water, in any dish that I think it will work in (some people would disagree...). Ginger helps with all kinds of ailments, both as a cure and preventative measure, from colds to headaches and period pains.

- taking cranberry capsules (because of all the urinary tract infections). I don't like taking supplements and try to get everything I need in my diet, but this is an exception. Cranberry does not cure an existing infection, but can prevent them. The ones I take also have lots of Vitamin C

- using coconut oil (my newest obsession) for everything. A tablespoonful in porridge or hot muesli (...I eat muesli hot), and for cooking instead of other oils (though I still use olive oil, too). It is supposed to provide an instant energy boost and to be antibacterial, antiviral and antifungal and boost the immune system.

- Sauna and steam room. The cure for everything, in my opinion. When I feel cold and miserable this is where I go. My friend's doctor advised him to be cautious in the steam room, though, as bacteria flourish in warm moist places. If somebody is in there coughing, get out.

- Running and swimming. Regular exercise makes you less susceptible to illness.

- Propolis drops and bee pollen. I take the drops when I feel I might come down with something (they are a natural antibiotic and immune system booster) and eat two teaspoons of pollen every day.

- Huge amounts of green foods, which are great in so many ways. Until this year I had never had spinach for breakfast, but now it's a weekend staple. I love spinach, so that helps. I would eat spinach as a side dish with just about everything.

- Lots of raw food. Harder to do now that we're approaching winter. I notice I feel much more energetic and my skin is better when I have a big portion of raw vegetables every day.

- Quinoa and millet instead of pasta and rice as often as possible. They are packed with nutrients, gluten-free and actually taste great, too.

- Less sugar. I experimented with giving it up completely, and it's easier than I thought to eliminate it, but I love baking, and when I bake, I inevitably eat some of the end product, and I love chocolate, and I don't want to be a spoilsport-healthfreak in social situations, so the answer for me at the moment is that a bit of sugar is ok

- Baths with Epsom salts to detoxify (and for a magnesium boost)

Also important: not to be too fanatical about any of the above. There are still days when I don't eat anything green, but instead cake for dinner, and that doesn't mean it's all in vain.

Messy, chaotic, cute

2011-10-03T20:25:00.000+01:00

At the weekend, I didn't do any of the things I usually do, as I shared my house with two little people. It was fun, but I am exhausted now. I really don't know how single mothers (or fathers) cope.

We painted (pictures, a canvas bag, and fingernails):

And baked:

...and did a million other things.

They insisted on sleeping in my bed, with me in the middle, and I must have woken every minute or so.

I did get the Saturday and Sunday papers, but I only got to read two lines of one article. Which isn't so bad: I like to make the papers last the whole week, as reading material to accompany breakfast - as much as I like the concept of mindful eating, I just like reading while eating even more.

On Sunday morning we went for a walk by the sea when most people were still asleep, which made for a nice change. I tend to spend most Sunday mornings indoors reading the aforementioned paper.

It was a weekend packed with activities, and somehow Friday feels like ages ago, considering how much we crammed into two days. So today I am taking it easy and will have an early night. It feels a bit like Sunday. And I am really enjoying my clean, quiet house right now.

16 squares

2011-09-29T14:23:00.000+01:00

This throw-in-the-making has been put aside while I am knitting - well, I also have run out of yarn again.

Making these squares is addictive. I usually crochet each in one go, because I can't stop. I am already planning future colour combinations. Incidentally, I posted the above photo on my website's blog and realised that I had used the same colours as in all the paintings in the header! I obviously love berry colours, but for the next painting and crafts projects I am going to use a different palette.

Skin deep

2011-09-27T20:53:00.001+01:00

Like most ~~people~~ women, I must have used hundreds of different beauty products in my life so far, in the quest to find that elusive product that will solve all my problems and will mean no more frizzy hair/shiny face/spots/spending too much time in front of the mirror. I want to simplify that area of my life and have less stuff in my bathroom (though I have to say my collection of cosmetics looks spartanic compared to those of my sisters!), but at the same time I like trying out different things. The latter is largely satisfied by my use of essential oils - by mixing them you get an infinite number of scents. I like to make my own cosmetics and with those I buy I prefer when they have as few ingredients as possible and/or are all natural, though not everything I use is 100% natural.

I still haven't found the perfect product in all categories, and it probably doesn't exist - after all, the needs of our skin change with the seasons, the menstrual cycle, weather conditions, etc. Recently, though, I have come a bit closer to perfection with some of the basics.

Because of all the above, and also because I like documenting things, I have decided to occasionally share here what I use and love, so I can refer back to it, and perhaps some of it is helpful to readers, too (with apologies to my very few male readers...).

Today, five rather random things I am absolutely sure I could live without, but wouldn't want to at the moment:
(please note that I do not get paid for any of the things I recommend on my blog)

...I also like that there is a lot of pink involved

The Tisserand Refreshing Deodorant Roll-on comes in glass packaging (apart from the lid) and smells divine. It says wild rose and lemon leaf on the front, but geranium dominates (as in a lot of their products). Geranium is a very strong scent and lifts the spirits, which is always good. I once noticed it on someone, and she revealed it was a Tisserand hand cream - that's what I will get once I finish my current one.

Weleda Wild Rose moisture cream - because I have oily/combination skin, for years I would only use harsh antibacterial creams and cleansers, which is just wrong, as it exacerbates the problem. In fact, oily skin needs oil, and once this cream is finished, I will get Dr. Hauschka's facial oil (I just used up a sample I bought). I also love this cream, though - it is quite rich, but ideal for when my face feels dry.. And it smells...of roses!

Aloe Vera and Lavender - a favourite ever since a friend gave me this years ago when I spilled boiling hot tea over my hip (and my brother-in-law's feet). It is cooling, moisturising and soothing, and I use it all over my body. To make it, mix a few drops of pure lavender oil into pure aloe vera gel.

Bio-oil: another multi-purpose product. I use it on pretty much everything it says on the bottle: stretch marks, scars, uneven skin tone...got them all. I also use it in the bath. I don't like that it's mineral oil-based, though - am trying to find a natural alternative.

Benecos nail polish: I got two of those in a health food shop in Germany - they don't contain all the harmful stuff that is usually found in nail polish. You need two coats for a good result, but it stays on for several days and the colours are gorgeous (at the moment, I am wearing this mud-colour -Urban Grey, a warm grey- on my fingernails and Wild Orchid on my toenails)

Blueberry days

2011-09-25T18:38:00.000+01:00

1. So excited about this book - I have heard so much about her. Plus: sewing on buttons - very Zen
2. Baking (see post from Friday) - blueberries are the best. And blackberries (still haven't gone to pick them)
3. Dress to go with blueberry cake (pure coincidence) - I have a newfound love of belts - belting everything
4. Late-night activity (that's 8pm in Marina-Land) - knitting, using up leftover yarn to make wrist warmers
5. My friend James made these huge mackerel for a science event this weekend

Weekend rituals

2011-09-24T19:17:00.000+01:00

In Kinvara

Even though I aim to not live my life in terms of workdays/weekend blocks and try to enjoy Monday as much as Saturday (at least Monday evening), I quite like to get certain things done at the weekend so the week ahead is as easy as possible. That includes:

Around the house:
- tidying and cleaning, obviously
- getting laundry done (very important for exercise - running out of clean towels or running gear would be a nuisance)
- watering and, if needed, feeding my plants
- putting enough tea lights from the big bag that lives in a drawer in the spare room into one of the kitchen drawers for easy access (strangely satisfying)
- making soup for the week
- taking all the rubbish out, including the recycling

Technology:
- going through stuff I bookmarked on the computer throughout the week
- recharging phone, iPod, camera batteries
- deleting text messages and e-mails

Body:
- steam facial and/or facial oil massage
- hair removal
- mani/pedi
-some sort of hair treatment
- a bath with Epsom salts/baking soda and essential oils (my favourites at the moment: rosemary for aching muscles, eucalyptus when I feel cold or sniffly, and always lavender)

I rarely do all of these things, and I don't have a list like the one above that I frantically go through. I don't usually do my grocery shopping at the weekend, as I prefer to go during the week, when it's less busy. One thing I would love to do, but somehow never manage, is to decide what to wear the following day before going to bed and lay the clothes out, so I don't waste time in the morning being indecisive. I suspect one reason I cannot seem to do this is that I don't know in advance what I will feel like in the morning. And I am a great believer in the power of colour and like to dress according to the chakras - red for grounding, blue for communication, etc., whatever I feel I need most that day.

Getting ready for autumn

2011-09-23T08:30:00.002+01:00

Indian spice box

work-in-progress

fan - redecorating my bedroom

This week has been about organising/planning/decluttering/cleaning. Maybe it's the transition into autumn (autumn clean?) or simply more procrastination, but I do hope this whole endeavour means I am making space for getting things done or at least for feeling better/lighter.

My books now live in colour harmony (see last post). This has made me rediscover old favourites and it's a nice change.

I am tidying up all the folders on my computer - it makes such a difference. It always bothered me that everything was so chaotic and that I had held on to so many pictures and other files that I don't need.

It seems to be contagious - Matt has been busy getting rid of things, out of his own free will. He discovered he had an Indian spice box hidden somewhere inside a cupboard and put it to use. I love the colours. I used to have all my spices on the kitchen counter (they fit under the windowsill), but found it looked too cluttered, so now they live in a drawer with labels on the lids. I need to be able to see what I have - I tend to forget about things if I can't see them.

The days are getting shorter and it is still a bit dark when I get up. I finally joined the gym again after a one-year break and went for a lovely early-morning swim (only 15 mins) and sauna (an hour?) yesterday, which also meant I did not get stuck in traffic on my way in. I worried about spending so much money after my long unpaid summer, but it is an investment in my health, after all.

I haven't really been spending money on stuff and haven't felt the need. When I go into town I find the shops overwhelming. I did buy a book and tights and I am planning to get a hand blender (although I love being old-fashioned in the kitchen and mixing everything by hand, and I don't want to accumulate too many kitchen gadgets, but certain soups and smoothies call for a blender) and a warm dressing gown - I wore my last one to death.

Weekend plans include:

-run, swim and sauna

-work on some illustrations

-get ready for teaching in October

-pick blackberries and sloes (they are abundant where I live) - I find I don't tolerate alcohol very well these days -after a few sips of wine I find it impossible to drink more-, but I love a homeopathic dose of homemade sloe gin in the evening

-make this cake

Books by colour

2011-09-18T20:09:00.001+01:00

With way too much time on my hand (convalescing, so leaving the house or anything too exhausting, physically or mentally, wasn't an option), I decided to re-organise my bookshelf, by colour.

I spend a lot of time in my house and therefore a lot of time looking at the objects it is filled with. Since I am a neat freak -and it's getting worse- I thought arranging my books by colour might be a good idea and look less overwhelming. Although I hasten to add that books on shelves don't really qualify as clutter in my opinion. Books are good.

Before:

And after:

I think I might still tweak it a bit here and there. My house is full of colours, but I don't like it when there is too much primary colour action going on. This "after" image is actually the toned-down version of what I attempted first, which was much bolder.

I was a bit hesitant, because my books were organised by genre/subject before, and that does seem to make more sense. But I am a very visual person, and I actually think it will be easier to find a particular book, as I always know exactly what the cover looks like. I also like how this system juxtaposes completely unrelated material and how the colours play off each other. I do not like all the black. Nor do I like the black leads creeping from the speakers, for that matter. Also, from now on I will rotate the books whose covers I display.

I moved some art books to my art room and put some books I am unlikely to ever read again into a box for the charity shop. So it feels a bit lighter now, too.

Facts about my books:

-Most of my books (well, at least the spines) are white, black is second, blue is third. I only have one book with a purple spine -there are very few purple books, when I think of it.

-I own quite a few books I haven't read yet, though I've had them for years and look forward to reading them.

-Now it is not so embarrassingly obvious at first glance just how many self-help and esoteric books I own!

Last Days of Summer

2011-09-16T15:52:00.000+01:00

green tea, green grass (Note to self: do not wear tight tunics over pants with zips)

While my family are sweltering in Germany, 30 degrees is a distant memory for me. September hasn't been exactly mellow here (hurricane, torrential rain, 14 degrees). My daily "uniform" includes a vest at all times and a scarf tied around my waist for kidney protection when I'm at home. I have switched from salads to soup and sleep with a hot water bottle. But every now and again the sun comes out for half a day or so and it feels a little bit like summer still.

Yesterday was one of the rare days I could dry my clothes outside, and they were actually dry within a few hours -miracle!

I am dreading the winter already, since neither the houses here nor the cars can handle the cold and ice. I never used to mind the Irish weather and for years didn't even own an umbrella or waterproof clothes (and until 2009, Irish winters were mild), but in the past two years it has become a bit too extreme too often.

However, I agree with this recent Oliver Burkeman column (click to read the whole article; it's excellent) about contrast, in which he actually uses the Irish weather as an example: "[N]o tropical beach holiday, nor even a constantly stimulating city-break, can ever rival the contrast between a torrential cliff-top downpour and the subsequent Guinness by a roaring pub fire." Though I can count on one hand the pints of Guinness I have had by a roaring pub fire in the last three years (since moving out of the city and relying on a car), I can attest to the truth of this statement. I will always love the Irish climate. And I appreciate those rare blue-skies days so much more because they are not a daily occurrence.

On a different note, I am surprising myself by reading a spy novel (see sidebar) and actually enjoying it. A lot. I only found out after I started to read it that there is a movie out now based on another of le Carré's books. Matt has most of his novels, so this might become my new obsession.

Steamy

2011-09-12T21:33:00.003+01:00

I am still undecided about joining the place where I can use the sauna and steamroom again. I do think it would make me a better person (feeling cleansed physically and mentally), but then I tend to get obsessed with an idea, and I just spent a whole year without sauna-visits and it wasn't that hard. But I can't help it. These days the word sauna keeps invading my brain.

In the meantime -until I can cough up the membership fee- I am going to have steam facials: putting your head under a towel for ten minutes and inhaling nice-smelling steam is time well spent, not only when you are sinusy, but as a weekly deep-clean for your skin and for relaxation. I generally keep it simple and stick to one or two essential oils. As for quantities, three drops of oils in total is plenty, in my opinion. I boil one to two litres of water and then add the oils or dried herbs. Inhale under a towel for about ten minutes, with eyes closed.

These are my go-tos:

-Dried Chamomile (preferably loose, or chamomile teabags - see photo. More than one, though. In the photo it was mixed with oils). That's what my mom used to make when we had a cold or the flu. Very soothing.

-Lavender oil, on its own, or two drops lavender with one drop ylang-ylang or geranium - lavender and geranium are antiseptic, ylang-ylang relaxing

-Some dried herbs such as chamomile or sage and lavender oil -soothing

-Lavender, geranium and lemon essential oils, one drop each -good for oily skin, astringent

For dry skin, adding a bit of almond oil to the water will moisturise. Rose, chamomile and jasmine essential oil are also good.

-When my nose is blocked, and for colds/flu in general, I use eucalyptus and/or peppermint oil, and sometimes Vick's Vapo Rub diluted in the water or Olbas oil.

Inhalation is also a good escape from the reality of the hurricane outside...

On my mind

2011-09-08T22:04:00.003+01:00

Since my last post I have been wondering why I keep sabotaging myself by not doing the things that I know will make me feel better. A few posts ago I wrote about how working with coloured pencils gave me a much-needed sense of peace and tranquility, yet between then and today I hadn't put pencil to paper at all. I finally went back to it this afternoon and it was an instant boost. It's been the same with running: I let the torrential rain we have had put me off - though today was dry and I still didn't go. I have, however, been good at keeping up the meditation and yoga, and I hope I won't lapse. It grounds me, and if there is one thing I need it is grounding.

This may be the start of my long weekend, and I am hoping to do some work from home, lots of making-things, and meet up with a few friends. I am beginning to learn the importance of not making too many plans, though.

On my mind this week:

-I'm happy to be back at work. I am so grateful that I have it and that I enjoy it.

-Sort of related to all the above, the advice in this article struck a chord with me:
"Toss Productivity Out" by Leo Babauta

-I bought Lucinda Williams's "Copenhagen" on iTunes and have been listening to it on repeat. Beautiful, haunting lyrics and music, and her voice is amazing.

-I'm looking forward to watching "Happy-go-Lucky" (I love Sally Hawkins!).
Also the new Almodóvar, "The Skin I Live In". There are afternoon screenings at the cinema here at the moment, so I am planning a sneaky daytime cinema trip by myself.

-I read a feature about Anjum Anand in a magazine, and she swears by Indian Masala tea as a reviving elixir-she didn't specify quantities, but you boil sliced ginger and cardamom pods in milk. Since I am a fan of chai tea and love using ginger, I want to try this.

-Working on the throw. Photos to come. I have used up all the yarn and now have 16 squares. I just spent 15 minutes deciding how to arrange them, in case I leave it at that, which means it'll be a Very Small Throw.

-I am debating whether to join the gym again- not for the gym itself (never set a foot in there), but for the pool and -actually, this is the real reason- the sauna. After using the sauna in the hotel we stayed in in Bantry, I realised how much I had missed it. My sauna buddy has left the country, so it won't be the same as in 2009/10, but still, it'll be worth every penny.

Serenity

2011-09-05T17:59:00.004+01:00

(this is what I would see if I kept my eyes open while meditating)

Serenity is one word people who know me would never associate with me. I worry a lot, about things big and small, past and future. But I am trying to become more serene, and without being aware of it at the time this summer brought me a bit closer to it. I managed to not think about work and whether my contract would be renewed, for example. That would have been impossible only a few months ago. The last two weeks I just lived day-to-day and enjoyed the rest of my holidays. Similar to my attempt to not live my life in terms of weekdays/weekend blocks I didn't think of it as The-End-Of-Summer. But of course work and the passing of time are only two of many things in life that can cause anxiety.

I had a decidedly non-serene weekend, with a lot to worry about. While trying to find an essential oil blend I hadn't used before, I came across the blend for serenity (in this book) and have been burning it for the last two days. It's cedarwood, lemon and chamomile and smells incredible. Apparently the essential oils you gravitate towards are the ones you need, and I have been using lots of chamomile (which unfortunately is one of the more expensive ones, but I still have the first bottle I bought). I also started meditating again after weeks of neglecting it.

Some irrational part of me seems to think that if I stop worrying, bad things will happen as a result and catch me unprepared. And it is to do with being afraid of change - when you have been an anxious worrier for years it is what you are used to and know and thus what you are comfortable with, although it can hardly be called a comfortable state. I need to keep reminding myself that I cannot control anything and have to learn to let go and live in the present. It's not easy, but I feel I am getting better at it the closer I get to 30, and little things like aromatherapy oil blends help along the way.

Crafts rescue

2011-09-02T16:33:00.006+01:00

Sorry for the long silence. I am still settling back in again.
My sister stayed with me for a couple of days, which meant a) I had a swimming buddy and b) that some of my unfinished handmade things were taken care of - she is a crafter extraordinaire. Whenever I make a cushion cover I only sew three sides and then just abandon it and hide the sloppy opening. Now these two have proper seams and ribbons:

Thanks again, Anke!

Inspired by her, I tackled the basket of other unfinished stuff that was sitting behind my bedroom door and organised my fabrics:

Said basket also contained examples of the purposeless rectangles and squares I used to knit when I only had one ball of yarn, usually an impulse buy because I liked the colour/feel. In the past I have made clothes from such pieces (unshapely!), but mostly they just ended up under a pile of knitting materials, never to see the light of day again. In an attempt to salvage some of these sad reminders of time and money misspent, I made some sort of cushion cover/bag, again with the fourth side unfinished...:

I also continued working on the throw I started in Germany. I had to buy more yarn and could only get three of the four colours, but it doesn't really matter. The next time I work with granny squares I will use scrap yarn, though.

Play

2011-08-22T19:15:00.001+01:00

I often get sick after travelling, and it happened again. I spent the last few days cooped up in the house, reading and watching movies when the headache wasn't too bad and sleeping the rest of the time. By day 4 (yesterday) I was going a bit crazy. Usually I am not an impatient patient, but this time it wasn't even assuaged by the fact that I had permission to do nothing and sleep as much as I needed. I ate too many carbs, my skin was breaking out, the time passed very slowly and I didn't see or speak to anybody (which explains why I just had a conversation with my landlady's son that was pretty much just me blabbering incoherently, in a high-pitched voice).

Today I decided I'd been sick long enough (I also felt better) and that in order to get out of the post-illness funk I needed to act the way I wanted to feel (click to read Gretchen Rubin's Third Commandment). So I acted energetic. It really works. I also did some deep breathing to get rid of toxins and a tiny bit of yoga (five minutes).

But what helped me most to feel myself again was playing around with the illustrations I am working on. That meant not worrying about the outcome, just enjoying the colours -green was a good choice- and the meditative state that drawing lots of leaf-shapes close together brings.

After that I was cured and even went for a run. I burnt some nice incense and I cleaned every square centimetre of my floors and all the skirting boards (immensely satisfying). And I have something to look forward to: my older sister and her husband are coming today- this August is family month!

Poetry and passion

2011-08-19T11:20:00.003+01:00

"Memorizing lines engages a person with the rhythms of another mind and allows the thought of another, perfectly preserved, to act as a comfort to be turned to in emergencies, like a house that remains standing." ~ Molly Peacock, The Paper Garden, Bloomsbury, London 2011, p. 52

"One woman told me that she uses the complete works of Emily Dickinson as a form of I Ching: 'Wherever it falls open, I know I will find something there.' " ~ Daisy Goodwin in The Sunday Times, 14/08/2011

Poetry and felt mouse

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties I consumed poetry daily. I'd spend a lot of time in the poetry sections of bookshops, and when I bought the Bloodaxe anthology Staying Alive, it was one of those defining book moments: it seemed to contain everything I could hope for; the poems expressed things I had thought inexpressible.

Recently I found out that a third anthology has been published (Being Human - the second was Being Alive). I still haven't bought it. When I saw the book I realised I haven't bought a poetry book in quite a long time. I have some favourite poems up on my walls and mirrors, I read reviews of poetry every week (and have been putting titles on a reading list), but I haven't actively sought out poetry in a while.

These days I feel I am returning to it. I have been thinking about my younger self, who was so passionate about discovering a new book/CD/artist. I still am, but it hasn't been happening as often (this may be due in part to the easy availability of everything in the internet age - in the past I never really ordered anything, but instead found things, which is more gratifying, and if I got a recommendation, I searched for the item for ages, and finding it at last would come with a sense of achievement). This visceral joy and excitement when I stumble upon a great book or hear a beautiful piece of music makes me feel engaged and connected with something bigger. It happened recently with The Paper Garden, which coincidentally is written by a poet and which I found in a museum bookshop.

I got a glimpse of it again when I was in West Cork (see last post) and then again yesterday when I watched American Beauty for the second time after twelve years and it got me thinking and I ended up reading up on it.

I'm not sure why I am linking it to poetry (it could be anything), but somehow I see the passionate, enthusiastic me as a poetry-reading person. A poem can instantly catapult you into this state of wonder. I will get that new anthology.

_________________

This is a poem I discovered through Natalie Merchant's interpretation of it; it continues to haunt me:

Equestrienne

See, they are clearing the sawdust course

For the girl in pink on the milk-white horse.

Her spangles twinkle; his pale flanks shine,

Every hair of his tail is fine

And bright as a comet's; his mane blows free,

And she points a toe and bends a knee,

And while his hoofbeats fall like rain

Over and over and over again.

And nothing that moves on land or sea

Will seem so beautiful to me

As the girl in pink on the milk-white horse

Cantering over the sawdust course.

~Rachel Field (1894-1942)

Revisiting West Cork

2011-08-17T18:59:00.003+01:00

It's been quiet around here because my brain is still fried (cause unknown).
I've been back in Ireland for a few days now, but today is my first day at home, as we crashed my sister and her husband's honeymoon (part one) in Bantry. West Cork is where we went on holiday with our family a few times when we were teenagers, and the last time we had been was ten years ago, which is hard to believe. I am feeling very nostalgic now, and it was difficult to say goodbye to the honeymooners there, much more so than usually (and it is always difficult).

These pictures are all from sunny Day Two on Garinish Island, except the first one, which is in Glengarriff and was taken on rainy Day One.

Apparently it was wet and cold here the last month, more or less the same as in Germany, so it's nice to get some sun now. I woke to blue skies this morning and went for a lovely run, on which I was welcomed back by my two gorgeous canine friends who always stop me when I run past their house to lick my face and leave paw prints on my clothes. This helped to settle back in again.

Purple and gold

2011-08-03T18:20:00.003+01:00

I have been sick for the last few days and am still too weak to hold a mug with one hand (though that can also be the case when I'm well -sometimes I just lose the feeling in my wrist/hand, so do not put your feet up on the couch beside me when I am drinking hot tea -sorry again, T.!), so just a couple of recent paintings today...

She Would Drown - Acrylic and oil on canvas

After the Storm - Oil and acrylic on canvas board

Random

2011-07-30T09:58:00.002+01:00

I wanted to take lots of pictures when I visited my other sister, but I didn't. I don't go running with my camera, so there are no photos of the beautiful flora in the fields and woods. One plant had a gorgeous scent that filled the air; I vaguely recognised it, but I still don't know what it is, and I sniffed every flower I could reach, to no avail. This isn't a photo blog, of course, but my brain is fried and I can't put sentences together, and that's when I prefer to post lots of photos.

This week I spent two days painting a room in my mom's house and made a few crochet cuffs. I have been running a lot, am reading a great book, and now we are preparing for my sister and her husband's Polterabend (smashing crockery, traditionally on the eve of the wedding, but in this case a week beforehand). I say her husband because they are legally married already; this is going to be the church wedding.

At my younger sister's place -sewing machine, book, slippers made by my older sister

Old cabinet painted by my younger sister, mirror frame made by her, cards from the 1970s (?)

At my mom's house -freshly painted walls, old chest, stuffed toy my older sister made about 20 years ago, German magazines

Where she creates

2011-07-24T07:55:00.000+01:00

I have mentioned here before that my sisters make amazing things. On a visit last week -I am in Germany for a month-, I got to see my older sister's new work space, which is a treasure trove. She also let me wear one of her new creations (she used a pattern from here). Excuse the blurry photo.

Squares

2011-07-19T11:16:00.000+01:00

This is going to be an expensive throw, since each square costs about 2 euro in yarn (it's a gorgeous soft bamboo and wool blend intended for baby things) and I need about 5469 squares to make a throw. It's my new crochet obsession and summer holiday project, after I saw the blanket my sister is working on and another finished piece, whose creator lent me a book with lots of patterns. I have run out of yarn now and am experiencing withdrawal symptoms...

From island to island

2011-07-15T16:56:00.001+01:00

I didn't go on my own or for a whole week, as planned, but our one-night holiday on this island was perfect. Our room was only a few metres from the sea (see first picture). I went for a lovely Sunday-morning run, startling chickens and rabbits and cows, and an even better naked swim in turquoise water. I had intended to sketch a bit, but instead we took pictures, and my main creative endeavour was devising the plot for a melodramatic film on island life, inspired by the people we met (one of whom looked like a man from my past, and we kept using the name of the latter when referring to him). I couldn't help myself; my mind kept inventing dialogue and assigning everybody a role. I quickly got over the fact that I had forgotten to buy The Guardian before we got on the ferry - and I do not like missing the weekend papers! Now I have renewed dreams of living on a small island...

Amateur Yoga

2011-07-07T20:04:00.000+01:00

This photo sums up the last few weeks: painting, working on the computer, endless cups of tea and glasses of wine (not too many of the latter), and trying to stay sane and painless by doing bits of yoga (this is my attempt at Halasana, or the Plough Pose):

(also displaying a case of VPL)

I know you're not supposed to wear shoes. Or restricting dresses. Or risk carpet burn. That's not my house, by the way, only my paintings and my body.
I have posted photos of festival-related stuff here and here.
My holidays have finally properly begun!

New illustration-sketches

2011-07-03T10:40:00.002+01:00

Two more pictures for our children's show (today is the last one for the festival).
If we ever decide to (self-)publish a book of the poems and pictures, I will polish all the pictures and redo a few that I have given away and create new ones, so that each stanza has a picture to go with it. And I will take better photographs. But for the screen (where each picture is up for only a few seconds to accompany Rab's reading), these will have to do.

Claddagh man (yes, this one has pink paint from a previous picture on it, and a bit of the anchor should show behind the sleeve on the right - it's a work-in-progress!)

Sophie

Paper flowers

2011-06-28T18:48:00.002+01:00

A lot of the book recommendations I have given here were posted while I was still reading the book in question, and now I am doing it again, and I am only a few pages in! But I can safely say that I will not change my mind about this book, and in fact all the other books I wrote about in this space remain firmly among my favourites.

This book caught my eye in the IMMA bookshop (I was there with a friend to see the Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera exhibition). I think I would have bought it on account of the subtitle alone:

book with glass artwork made by a friend

Yes, that's 72. There's hope for all of us. I regularly get into a state of panic worrying that I have wasted most of my twenties and could have been more productive, so this is like balm on my wounded ~~soul~~ ego.
One of the blurbs on the back states that The Paper Garden "both analyses and exemplifies that obsessional, mesmerised state induced in artists and crafts people through concentration and close observation", a state Mihály Csíkszenmihályi coined "flow", a concept I am very interested in.

Mary Delany was an 18th century woman who at the age of 72 invented a new art form, the mixed-media collage. She went on to create almost 1,000 detailed cut-paper flowers, which are now in the British Museum.

This book is an artwork in itself, beautifully designed, heavy and with lots of illustrations. Peacock has put herself and the parallels in her own life into Delany's story, and her writing is lyrical and mesmerising. The only reason I haven't read more of it yet is that I have been very busy and am only getting reading time in bed before I go to sleep, and no matter how good the book, my body just refuses to stay awake for much longer once I'm in there.

Kindness and Light

2011-06-23T16:27:00.001+01:00

There was another brilliant "A Life in Writing" interview in The Guardian about two weeks ago, with Ann Patchett. I have only read her first novel, Patron Saint of Liars, and her memoir Truth and Beauty, about her friendship with the writer Lucy Crealy (and highly recommend both), but her other books are on my To Read list. I love the quote they used as the heading:

She seems to get criticised for her cheery outlook and happy endings, but she is adamant that there are enough people writing about the darker side of human nature, and since she is "a positive, cheerful person", her books focus on human goodness: "In my life I have met astonishingly good people". Reading this interview put me in a good mood. I tend to read a lot of books with heavy, dark subject matter, but recently I have been seeking out more and more books like Ann Patchett's. I absolutely loved Siri Hustvedt's latest novel, which managed to deal with difficult themes in a light, redemptive way, and I am currently reading Nancy Mitford's Love in a Cold Climate, which is hilarious.

Another thing that stayed with me after reading this article was what Patchett took away from her mentors in college, whom she credits with changing her life. One of them, the writer Grace Paley, taught her the lesson of "having a single voice and being one person, so you're the same person as a mother, a friend, a teacher, a writer, an activist, a citizen". So important, and so hard.

Cow Interlude

2011-06-19T16:37:00.000+01:00

On Friday I spent four hours in the afternoon making changes to hundreds of programmes, as one thing or two had gone wrong at the printers...

The repetitive nature of the task at hand enabled me to think and I solved a few things that had been on my mind. But I also started feeling a bit woozy. Then I heard a strange sound outside the door and thought it was a friend/a drunk/a drunk friend making animal noises. Thankfully I didn't open the door, or these cows might have walked into my kitchen:

For a split second I really thought I was imagining things. But then I saw my neighbours running into the garden with panicked expressions on their faces. I'm glad I wasn't outside lying on the grass as I had been earlier in the day...

The last two weeks...

2011-06-16T11:57:00.002+01:00

...completely random:

-It took me quite a while to recover fully, so I only started running again two days ago; only then did I realise how much I had missed it. I also realised that I tend to look after myself more when I exercise - when I wasn't running I ate more stodgy foods, but now I am back to eating tons of salad. I feel like I've been under a truck (because of course I didn't do any stretching), but also much stronger. And of course I am much nicer to be around when I exercise regularly. There may have been days of tears and crankiness, to put it mildly, prior to my taking up running again.

-I made these raspberry cheesecake brownies -not in the healthy foods category, but very yummy - somebody said what I usually bake tends to be not sweet enough, as I always halve the sugar, but that somebody did seem to like these, even though here I also used far less sugar than stated (recipe to follow; I am compiling a list of recipes):

-I am now officially and visibly a local tour guide, which hopefully will give me some summer work, though probably not this year, as I am going to visit my family in Germany soon:

-And I've been working on this festival. This is the artwork for the poster and programme (before I added the title, etc.):

My favourite bits are the non-humans in it, especially the dog:

-We also went on more day and half-day trips:

Strandhill, Co. Sligo

Now I need to catch up with all the things on my various ToDo-lists and with friends. It's been a busy summer so far...

Domesticity

2011-06-01T10:37:00.001+01:00

accidental still life in beautiful colours on my draining rack

I am still convalescing. I do go to work and shopping for groceries, but when I get home I collapse. I am sure I am well enough to do some painting and work on upcoming projects, but I have been shunning my little studio. Instead I am reading about half a book per day, am glued to a hot water bottle and go to bed at 8pm most days. I am drinking detox teas and eating extremely healthily 95 % of the time (or something). I did venture into town at the weekend, but I just walked the streets in a state of delirium -and easily overwhelmed by everything- until my body ached, then escaped to my house again. It's nice to have so much quiet time at home, and I have been ordered to rest, but I feel I am getting behind with everything and neglecting my friends, and I can't wait to go back to running.

Today I am not working, but I need to get the car ready for the NCT tomorrow and I am going to draw up a new To Do list, so I can pretend I am achieving something, even if it's just preparation-procastination.
One thing that's perfect for blah days is crochet; it is so soothing. In my quest for unusual yarns I recently bought this 100% linen yarn:

It feels strangely tough and a bit rigid at first, but once you get used to it, it is lovely to work with. I only bought one ball, as I wanted to try it out first and make small things like cuffs. The woman in the shop told me one of her customers is making a dress with it, and I can picture that perfectly. The colour is gorgeous, too.

Time out

2011-05-27T17:20:00.002+01:00

"It isn't normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult psychological achievement." Abraham Maslow

Since once again my body is telling me in no uncertain terms that I need to rest and change some areas in my life, I am taking the entire weekend off and will only go near my To Do list if I actually feel like it. I will try to think about stuff I have conveniently pushed aside for too long. I have been advised to take a long break and protect myself from bad energies and deal with what seems to be the emotion behind my health problems - fear. And I have to learn to say no. I am finding that difficult for various reasons, but one is that I feel I also need to step out of my comfort zone more and say yes to things I might not want to commit to, but which ultimately will bring positive results. It's hard to know which situations/requests/offers to say yes to and which ones need a no.
I wish I could follow my intuition, but it has been in hiding; I can't hear that voice under all the layers of shoulds and doubts and wanting to please others and politeness.

Picture: tea break at the Glenlo Abbey Hotel - trying to be a lady, but look at how I am holding that cup!

Chamomile and rose...

2011-05-24T22:23:00.000+01:00

...and day trips to ruins and graveyards

In the last few days I have been a mixture of upset, angry, crying-my-eyes-out-hysterical and sleep-deprived (the latter due to nightmares and the worst storm I have ever witnessed here, the type that makes me regret temporarily that my house is on a hill and exposed to the elements). I am also battling another kidney infection, and my last bit of money for this month went towards doctor's bills and medicine.
At such times, one thing that never fails is the power of scents. I have been burning chamomile oil (which is quite different from what you'd expect; it is sweeter than the tea), and it instantly calms me down and dissipates angry feelings. And I have been drinking rose tea, which has the same effect, plus a lovely colour. It's hard to stay tense for long when inhaling such comforting scents.
I am also discovering how good it feels to regularly go away on day-trips or half-day trips. They are like mini-holidays. These things and the kindness of strangers (and of course that of friends and family) keep me relatively sane, and the long summer holidays are just around the corner.

Evening sunlight

2011-05-18T21:10:00.001+01:00

Today the sun was back, and I came home to a light-filled house. I love the evening light when the sun shines into the two bedrooms (and through there into the rest of the house if I leave the doors open, which I do most of the time - tiny houses have lots of advantages).

(and I love the crystal in the window of the spare room)

Parts of the doors are translucent...

I am hoping for good weather tomorrow morning, as I haven't been running at all this week. I know bad weather shouldn't deter me, but gale-force winds kind of do.

Bags by Anke Ryan

2011-05-17T19:34:00.002+01:00

Five-year plan #26 (or something): When my older sister and her husband finally move here (WHEN??!!), we will set up a market stall selling handmade things. In the meantime I am trying to convince her to open an online shop. Here are two bags she has made for me in the last few months. She is much more prolific than me. I think she doesn't sleep.

The detail!

Despite her warnings not to carry too much heavy stuff in it, this was my everyday bag for months, filled with all the survival-bag essentials I used to carry around with me. It seemed sturdy enough, but then one seam tore a bit, and I haven't got around to fixing it yet. This (and my decluttering frenzy) made me reconsider what I schlep around with me (and what it does to my shoulder), and I am now quite happy to leave the house without the heavy second notebook, keys I don't even know what they were for and several weird make-up items I never needed (though I am still known to carry two or more bags at a time...)

I Am Tired.

2011-05-16T19:49:00.000+01:00

My biggest achievement at the weekend was changing my bedclothes (since I only have one set after giving away the spare ones, this means washing and drying them in a day, which is how I like it, though it was made difficult by capricious weather and birds doing nasty things to them while they were on the clothes line).

I needed a break mid-task. It looked too inviting.

A 1 1/2-hour nap ensued. I woke when the sun disappeared behind a cloud and my feet were suddenly cold. It's been hiding behind clouds ever since...

Good books

2011-05-13T19:56:00.001+01:00

I've been meaning to post about some of the books I read in the last year or so. I'll start with the last two novels I read, which are still fresh in my mind and have added something to the last few weeks -the characters and stories would accompany me throughout the day. I often find myself thinking the way a character from a book I am reading at the time would think or speak. It is so important to me to always have a few good books waiting for me in my bag, in the car, and by my bedside.

[I won't give a summary of the plot (google the books if you want to know more), just an excerpt and some thoughts.]

The Summer Without Men - Siri Hustvedt

"We must all allow ourselves the fantasy of projection from time to time, a chance to clothe ourselves in the imaginary gowns and tails of what has never been and never will be. This gives some polish to our tarnished lives, and sometimes we may choose one dream over another, and in the choosing find some respite from ordinary sadness. After all, we, none of us, can ever untangle the knot of fictions that make up that wobbly thing we call a self." (Hustvedt, Siri: The Summer Without Men, Sceptre, London 2011, p.188)

As with all her novels, this is so much more than the story it tells. It includes philosophical thought, literary criticism, a history of ideas of gender differences, poetry, e-mail correspondence, thought fragments, musings on art, evolutionary biology, drawings by Hustvedt, ... The time line gets shaken up occasionally and is interspersed with the narrator's meditations on writing her story. Hustvedt is brilliant at bringing alive intriguing fictional artworks. The themes are rejection, madness, death, bullying, love and art, and ultimately the self and the changes it undergoes, but despite the heavy subjects, the narrator never loses her sense of humour. A great read.

Tender is the Night - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"One writes of scars healed, a loose parallel to the pathology of the skin, but there is no such thing in the life of an individual. There are open wounds, shrunk sometimes to the size of a pin-prick but wounds still. The marks of suffering are more comparable to the loss of a finger, or of the sight of an eye. We may not miss them, either, for one minute in a year, but if we should there is nothing to be done about it." (Fitzgerald, F. Scott, Tender is the Night, Penguin Classics, London 2000, p.186)

I am a little bit obsessed with F. Scott (and Zelda!) Fitzgerald, but for some reason I only read this book - the last novel he completed - recently. It is about a young psychiatrist who marries one of his patients and is semi-autobiographical. His prose is so beautiful, often dream-like and lyrical and poignant, and he evokes the roaring twenties and the different settings perfectly. He also demonstrates great insight into the mind of a mentally ill person. I loved The Great Gatsby, but this novel is even better, in my opinion.

-------

Finally, two non-fiction books I would highly recommend:

I am a sucker for essays, so I was very happy to receive Zadie Smith's Changing My Mind as a birthday present last year. I enjoyed her novel On Beauty (and have White Teeth on my to-read list), and it was interesting to read her thoughts on writing, on other writers, such as David Foster Wallace and E. M. Forster (On Beauty is a homage to the latter), as well as a whole range of other subjects (I love the juxtaposition of completely different topics, ranging from literary criticism to personal memories, in essay collections).

And, completely unrelated, this relatively new book on knitting is great, with lots of beautiful and easy projects, a nice layout and design and everything you need to know about knitting.

Purls of Wisdom by Jenny Lord

Housekeeping

2011-05-10T18:53:00.000+01:00

I have been making some changes to the blog. They mainly involved putting together the new top bar pages. All this is a work-in-progress, and I'll be updating and editing as I go along.

The latest addition is the What I Love page, which lists a fraction of the things I love, satisfying my need for documenting and list-making. It is completely random, with no categories.

The link to my website has been up for a while, even though in real life I haven't told many people about it yet. I had wanted to get my own website for years, but was always waiting for the Right Time. The Right Time was some magical point in the future when I would have become an incredibly productive artist who had figured it all out and was happy to present herself to the world. Needless to say, I would have waited forever. I am beginning to see that it is all about the journey and to be more gentle with myself. So a few weeks ago I decided to just create that elusive website and let it grow and develop from there. With the website I have gained a second blog, something I was a bit hesitant about at first, as all this is happening at a time when I am also paring down computer stuff and trying to keep things simple. But now I'm glad I have it. It is a sort of online art journal, and I might occasionally link to it from here. This does not mean that there won't be any art-related posts here.

"Books are made up like sandcastles" - interview with Allan Ahlberg in The Guardian

2011-05-06T20:50:00.002+01:00

"Usually you can't build a house without an architect doing drawings - there is an intention prior to the existence of the building. But books are made up like sandcastles: you add stuff and knock it down and change it - and in fact, you didn't even know you were building a castle at first, you thought you were building a garage. Or you were going to have a cave and instead it turned into a garden full of shells" (Allan Ahlberg)

I like to make the weekend papers last the whole week (the Daphne du Maurier story I mentioned in the last post was creepy and brilliant). Yesterday I read this inspiring interview with Allan Ahlberg, also in last Saturday's REVIEW section in the Guardian (you can read it online here):

As I have said here many times, I love children's books. For Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project), reading children's books is her "comfort food" activity, and I feel the same way. Particularly in cases where the combination of writing and illustrations proves to be a perfect, long-lasting match (Roald Dahl/Quentin Blake and Astrid Lindgren/Ilon Wikland come to mind), such books take up residence in my head and heart, and the Ahlbergs' output is one such example.
It was fascinating to read what Ahlberg had to say about the process of creating children's books. I recently started to do illustration work and would like to do more in that area, so it was very encouraging to read things like "I'm far from being the best writer in the world, and Janet was very good but she wasn't the greatest illustrator in the world either [...] it's as though we took my modest talent and we took Janet's modest talent and we poured it into a tiny 32-page thing" (though I am sure he was just being modest saying this!). I sometimes feel there is no point working towards something that might never materialise -though of course there is; it's not only about the end result- and when there are so many people doing it better, but Ahlberg's story gives me hope (on a side note, it also makes me think of this post - I bookmarked it and read it when I feel pessimistic). They received lots of rejections in the beginning, but they persevered and finally made it.
It was also the creative process of "making books" that helped Ahlberg when Janet died in 1994, and I can relate to that - art-making is very therapeutic. This interview came at exactly the right time, just when I needed a gentle reminder that I am on the right path, no matter where it will lead.

Three Colours

2011-05-04T20:25:00.005+01:00

Suddenly it is cold again (and windy and wet). Matt sent me these pictures from the sunny, warm weekend (requested by me because of the colours, taken with his phone camera):

PINK - Al fresco lunch and papers (I saved the Daphne du Maurier story -lost for 70 years- for today)

RED - Spiddal has painted its benches

GREEN - a walk among trees

Walking, running, driving

2011-05-02T17:11:00.001+01:00

This morning I went for a three-hour walk with my 77-year-old friend and neighbour (instigated by her). In the end my 27-year-old legs hurt, but in a good way. I want to be like her when I am 77. She doesn't look her age at all. She regularly gets a great haircut (and dyes her hair herself), her walking outfits are far more fancy than mine (MBT shoes), she has great skin and a wicked sense of humour.
We walked places I had never been before, on bog roads and with beautiful sea views. I only brought my house key, and it felt great not to have a mobile phone and money on me and not to think about the time.

I also did a lot of walking over the weekend. I met my friends and their cute dog for an 8am Sunday morning run/stroll by the river, and in the end we went to a running track nearby. It was so soft and made me reconsider my usual route, which starts outside my door and is mainly on tarmac. I love running in the woods and on the beach, but the great thing about my round is that I don't have to get in the car and it requires less planning. Maybe I'll aim for one or two soft-ground runs each week.

The day before a friend and I went for a drive that ended in a cul-de-sac in the middle of nowhere. I like middles of nowhere. From there we could see Galway across the water:

cul-de-sac four-legged

After all that walking I know I'll sleep well tonight! Then again, I've never had any problems sleeping... (speaking of sleeping: The last few nights I slept like a baby, which may be due to all the fresh air and activity, but I also made sure my phone was switched off and believe it has made a difference. We do not yet know the effects of sleeping directly beside a mobile phone. I used to forget to switch mine off and kept it on my bedside table, as I have neither a watch nor a clock, and a lot of people seem to do that, but it could be very bad for us).
I really want to keep up the walking, in addition to the running; it makes me a better person (at least less cranky)!

Goggles and happiness

2011-04-30T09:00:00.041+01:00

On Thursday I got two good pieces of advice from a friend. After telling him my woes, he said "keep swimming in the sea, and bring goggles", and he suggested I spend a week on Inishbofin, Island of the White Cow, on my own. Now I often get advice and think it is great, but then don't act on it, but I kept thinking of these two things all day. Yesterday morning, after a run, I peeled off my sweaty clothes, put on my bikini and went straight to the beach, and I brought my goggles. I spent quite some time with my face underwater, taking in the beautiful turquoise world down there. For some reason, I had never considered wearing goggles while swimming in the sea. It added another dimension. I also started planning a trip to Inishbofin, although I'm not sure whether it'll be a whole week, nor when it will happen.
I spent the day at home yesterday, doing exciting things like cleaning out the fridge. I try not to let food go off, but I had all these jars of sticky things like chutneys, which I used to love, but now find too sweet (says the person who had two meals that consisted mainly of chocolate the other day... so much for eliminating sugar). They were way past their best-before date, so they had to go. I actually prefer to just cook with fresh ingredients and make everything from scratch.
I am still in decluttering mode, and I thought I didn't have much to declutter... Last week I got rid of all the cardboard boxes I had kept (what for - for when I move out?) and college stuff.
Less stuff + morning swims + finished projects = a good week.

Sun-drenched day

2011-04-27T22:15:00.000+01:00

On Wednesdays I have a few hours after my lunchtime class before teaching again in the evening, and I like to leave the campus with one of my favourite people and do something nice. Today I had to pick up some pictures at the framers' and then we I had a late ~~big~~ huge lunch at 4pm (my companion ordered three beverages, all at the same time, Helena Bonham Carter-style) around the corner, somewhere the two of us hadn't been before. It was like being on holidays, even though today was the first day back at work after the 6-day weekend. I am serious about my do-things-differently resolution; it has made such a difference to my energy levels and contentedness.

It feels good to get things done. I am Miss Procrastination and thrive under pressure -while driving people around me mad and risking my sanity. The few times that I finished something way before the deadline have made me really want to change. No rushing, all calm and slow and so much better for my fraught nervous system. Now is such a time, but the next three thingies are already queuing up. I remind myself that this is what I always wanted, to work from home, being creative, and now I am doing that regularly. Now that I don't go to bed at 7pm anymore (it's true, D!), the evenings stretch out before me, full of possibilities. But right now I am giving myself a bit of a breather before jumping in again, just a few days. This evening I got home to my lovely quiet house, opened the windows, organised my wardrobe and drank wine. No chatter in my head for a change, no obsessing, no regretting, no paranoia, no to-do lists swirling around my brain - though admittedly, that could be due to the wine...

Nine years

2011-04-26T20:16:00.000+01:00

Papa's wall

My new "shower"

2011-04-25T18:19:00.001+01:00

My electric shower isn't working (no hot water), so I have been improvising showers in the bathtub (which doesn't have a shower). Perfect timing, because just two weeks ago I was given this beautiful enamel jug:

It has become my shower, and I love my new ritual. There is something infinitely satisfying about rinsing your hair with water from an enamel jug. I also think it saves water, as you are more consious of how often you fill the jug.

And it is very zen-like. I am trying to be more mindful with everything I do, down to simple tasks and routines. Instead of thinking about all kinds of things while I rinse my hair/do the dishes/ iron my clothes/... I focus on what I am doing.

Then there is the nostalgia of using enamel anything. I like to pretend I am not actually in the year 2011, but some time in the past (ok, I do use hot running water with my new system). I decant most of my dry-food purchases into kilner jars as soon as I come in the door from the grocery shop (can't stand plastic packaging - I wish the shops here introduced bulk-buying, where you bring your own container); I prefer using muslin cloths to face cloths (they are great for cleansing your face); and I try to wear mostly natural fibres. I don't have a kitchen machine, so I do everything by hand, including whisking egg whites, and until recently I cracked peppercorns with a pestle and mortar (now I have a grinder). I love the simplicity of it all, and I think time-saving devices are overrated. The few more minutes you spend by doing things the old-fashioned way won't mean your precious time is being wasted. Ultimately it makes you more absorbed in what you are doing, and that is grounding.

More sea love

2011-04-24T19:19:00.000+01:00

When the weather is good, living here feels like being on holiday. It's what I always wanted, to live by the sea. This is only a two-minute walk from my house:

On Thursday I worked indoors for most of the day and spent too much time in front of the computer, so in the evening, as it was getting dark, I went down to the shore, where I was greeted by hundreds of seagulls (see last two pictures. BTW, all the landscape-format pictures here are smaller than the portrait ones because when I make them larger they overlap with the sidebar; I am trying to fix this. In the meantime, you can click on the images to see them in a larger size). The light was so beautiful. Now the long harsh winter (which neither the houses nor the cars here were prepared for) is forgotten. Ireland may not be paradise for a lot of people at the moment, but in terms of the landscape it is. Having the sea so close is so calming. Even when I happen to get caught up in rush hour traffic at the end of a hectic day, I don't mind, because I am driving on a coast road! When I am cooking or sitting on the couch, I can see the sea and its changing colours, the movements on the water's surface and the lights across the bay, and I feel blessed.

The best start to the day

2011-04-23T22:03:00.002+01:00

This morning I woke to blue skies and decided to head down to the beach (after being upside down for a while). It was the perfect swim. I haven't been checking the tide forecast lately, so I just took a chance... and it was exactly right. I like going early in the morning when not many people are around and everything feels fresh. My car thermometer said it was 12 degrees outside, but it didn't feel cold at all. There is always a moment when I hesitate before going into the water, but the trick is to stop thinking and just run in (with lots of splashing).

after the swim

You do get very cold afterwards, though. Not the first five minutes, but once I have changed into dry clothes, I start shivering. I should probably go for a fast walk then (instead I went to to buy the paper and talked incoherently to the people in the shop -being cold does that to me).

Swimming in the sea is the best boost I can think of. While I'm in the water, I forget about everything; it makes me feel strong, cleansed and energetic. It's almost impossible to have a bad day after that.

Loose plans

2011-04-21T12:08:00.001+01:00

I have almost an entire week off, and that thought fills me with anxiety. I am aware that half of day 1 is already over, and I am not in holiday-mode at all (can't expect instant results, I guess). Part of me wants to go away, the other part wants to just take it easy and work on a few things that I have been putting off. Because, to be honest, I am fast approaching a very long summer holiday, so a bit of work won't kill me. Procrastinating will only make me more anxious. I probably need to look at why so many things fill me with anxiety, even the prospect of a few days off...

I don't want to plan too much. So my prescription to myself is to just let it happen, see what comes up, be spontaneous (some sort of day trip perhaps), and chill the f... out. Since I have a few deadlines looming, there will have to be some work, but I will limit that to the mornings, unless I really feel like working at other times, too.

I will also
-check my e-mail only once a day max.
-see friends
-get back on track running-wise
-go to the beach
-eat nice foods (without sugar): My current obsessions are almond butter -tastes like those roasted almonds you get at fun fairs and Christmas markets - and millet.
-watch a movie I rented (on iTunes, a first) - An Education. I have read so much about it, and I like Lynn Barber's writing. The screenplay is by Nick Hornby.
-read this (have started already):

Whenever a new book of hers comes out, life is good. Thankfully she is quite prolific. The reviews were in the English papers weeks ago, and I was checking the bookstores here every few days, and yesterday it had finally arrived. I was happy to buy the hardback edition -her novels will stay on my bookshelves. I have been on a decluttering mission and am getting rid of some books, too. Once upon a time, I imagined my future dwellings with a large library, and I still like the idea. But now I wonder whether certain books we are unlikely to reread (most novels) aren't cluttering our lives. And it makes sense to give them away for other people to enjoy instead of making them a dead object at home. At the moment, my criteria are:
-keep all non-fiction
-keep all children's books
-keep favourite novels (for instance, everything by Siri Hustvedt)
-keep visually beautiful books. Yes.
-keep the classics
-keep some novels I won't reread in the spare room for guests

I might also do some housekeeping here on the blog and with other online stuff -so expect to see some changes soon!

Leaving things behind

2011-04-18T20:09:00.002+01:00

I have left this page (of this book) open on my kitchen counter for the last few weeks, because I feel it's the most important piece of advice for me at the moment (and so does my counsellor):

The problem is getting to the point where I can see (emotionally, not just rationally) that certain things that I can't let go of do not matter.They seem to matter an awful lot to me considering the space they take up in my head.

I had an enforced break -though I was working from home- at the weekend, after crashing last week. I should have listened to my body. I didn't feel right and still went for a run. Which was a mistake. For the next few days I did a lot of this:

Though not exclusively on a rock.

I am succeeding in letting go on some levels. A few days ago I finally tackled a folder full of evidence of a particularly disastrous relationship I have had the pleasure to experience -letters, printed-out e-mails (I know... and with frantically scribbled notes all over them), etc. I only read a few bits (enough to convince myself that I really needed to get rid of it all) before binning them. It felt so good. I no longer think that all my correspondence and diaries are worth saving in the unlikely case that one day somebody will decide to publish Marina's Letters and Journals. In fact, should I ever become famous (yeah, right) I would do everything in my power to avoid that. I even shudder to think that future generations of our family might want to piece together the past with the help of Marina's stuff. My aunt is doing that at the moment with war-time correspondence from our grandparents and their circle of relatives and friends. Most of the written evidence of the first quarter-century of my life portrays me as a neurotic, opinionated, paranoid, anxiety-ridden maniac. So it was a relief to get rid of all that. I try not to obsess about the tiny problem that the letters and e-mails that I wrote might still languish in the homes and inboxes of the recipients and I have no control over that part...

Anyway, I feel much lighter now.

Other ways of detoxing:
-I dusted the insides and outsides of my lampshades (yes, one of those essential things) - it really makes a difference
-I got rid of all the bedclothes that are not white (I equate peace and calm and good sleep with white in my bed these days - the dark bedclothes are in fact from the time I had a dog)
-I am trying to eliminate sugar from my diet again. I do feel better without it.

P.S.: Zen Habits offers great inspiration for simplifying your life.

Food for thought

2011-04-15T17:12:00.003+01:00

I rarely buy magazines these days (because the magazines that come with the weekend papers generally satisfy my need for them), but last month I must have bought about four, which I think is an indication of how unsettled I was feeling. When I am low, when my concentration is poor and I get to the bottom of the page of a book without having absorbed any of the words, I go to magazines for comfort. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I do. Mostly because I don't like the overload of advertising and how damaging magazines are to body image, and how 3/4 of the content is encouraging mindless consumerism.

When I was in the "big city", after a day-long panic attack (brought on by the big city) that manifested in strong chest pains, I bought the American Elle.

It weighed a ton. When I got home, I tore out all the advertising pages, which reduced it to about half its weight (I didn't tear out any pages that had advertising on only one side, so a lot of the remainder is still ads):

Culling the ads made it so much easier to go through it (annoyingly, articles are often interrupted by pages and pages of ads and you have to look for the rest of the piece).
Rant over. All this to say that I was pleasantly surprised. This issue contained several well-written, thought-provoking articles, among them the following (click on the links to read them online):

"The Rebirth" by Louisa Kamps is about dressing the way you want, regardless of the local standards of fashion, and not feeling bad about it. When she moved from New York to a low-key university town, the author suddenly felt awkward and overexposed when she dressed fancicully, thinking she would "fit in better in clothes that implied through their lack of adornment that I am a modest, hardworking person of substance -undistracted by spangley things that don't matter a whit". But that phase didn't last long and she soon felt herself drawn again to the place where "I [...] dress to make myself feel fine and brighten for others an often-bleak world stage [...] [W]earing clothes that speak a message of humor, strength, respect, or glamour is the act of love -of self and others- I never want to abandon again".
I love dressing in clothes that make me feel good, and an outfit can influence my mood for the day. It makes me happy when I see people who have made an effort; it adds beauty to the world amid the grey sea of tracksuit bottoms, sweaters and jeans. I sometimes have a problem with the vanity and consumerism aspects of it all, but I think it is about balance. I don't buy tons of clothes every season, I buy second-hand a lot, and I try and buy quality that will last.

Another great article was "Anger Management" by Rachael Combe, which seemed to explain the panic attack I had just experienced. I am very sensitive to other people's energy (in a test for The Hypersensitive Person, I ticked all the boxes... It can make life difficult). The author was prone to anxiety and getting into a rage and was told she needed to learn to block people's energy. One thing that helped her was to move to the seaside (from New York). I have never lived in a huge city, but moving from the centre of town to where I am now has definitely helped with my anxiety levels. Combe's research led her to Srinivasan S. Pillay, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, who writes that continual activation of the amygdala -an ancient part of our brain that registers fear and is reactive, picking up the panic of others- can lead to stress, anxiety and fatigue. Combe was shocked by the noise and crowding in New York when she first moved there, but thought she had adapted. However, her amygdala might have continued reacting to her environment. She visited an energy healer, and, though sceptical at first, she concludes that the healer's approach and that of Pillay weren't that different. Apparently we have mirror neurons in our brain that are the basis of empathy, reflecting other people's emotions. Whether the healer was working with her spirit guides or it was a case of the mirror neutrons responding to the healer's warm presence, it worked. Combe needed to learn to distinguish between "what's ours and what's not ours" when we absorb all the energy around us.

Finally, there was a piece about Joyce Carol Oates and her new memoir, A Widow's Story. I'd already read a few reviews of it and it is on my to-read list. A few years ago I attended a reading she gave here; her voice is mesmerising. This article goes into the implications of Oates's assertion that art isn't that important compared to life. She writes about the day-to-day life with her husband: "The happiness of a domestic life, without which the small - even colossal - triumphs of a 'career' are shallow, mocking". While a lot of male writers see art as superior to life and compensatory for the disappointments of life, she regards this as futile: "...most women would say human relations are more important than one's work". I often think about the relationship between life and art, so I'm curious to read more about what she has to say.

Upside Down

2011-04-12T20:23:00.000+01:00

Corner in my meditation/yoga/guest/shoe room

One reason I have been feeling better is that I start my days upside down, something I used to do every now and again and now follow religiously. Every morning I spend a minute in the head stand position (a minute is quite long when you're upside down...). As a result my back and shoulders feel stronger and I am more balanced. The head stand is said to revitalise the whole body, improve concentration and coordination and help to open yourself to the spiritual side of life.
It is also good for your skin, as it sends the blood into your head and reverses the effects of gravity. And it certainly gives you a different perspective, just like sleeping with your head at the other end of the bed. . I do the shoulder stand shortly after the head stand -this is important, particularly if you suffer from anxiety, as the head stand stimulates the nervous system, while the shoulder stand soothes it.
This is all part of trying to do some yoga every day. My younger sister and her husband wisely gave me a book called Yoga for Wimps. Between that and my Jivamukti Yoga book, I am developing a sort of routine.

P.S.: This article lists even more benefits of the head stand.

In my space

2011-04-10T09:16:00.003+01:00

Maybe it's due to the change in weather (20 degrees yesterday!) or my newfound energy, but whatever the reason, my mind is overflowing with ideas and plans and enthusiasm. I am looking forward to every day in a way I never have before. Spending this weekend at home, painting, and while I don't have the discipline to do more than a few hours, it is going surprisingly well. I love being in the FLOW.
Ukrainian artist Alina Maksimenko's statement resonates with me these days (the link takes you to the website of a beautiful gallery in Connemara):

"I love this life, this reality around me, which reassures me and has rescued me from my fear of death. My paintings are the synthesis of my childhood wishes and my adult dreams, they are my happy refuge".

I am also reorganising my space (tiny studio). I got a drawer unit with thin-ish drawers that are perfect for storing drawings, etc. I am surrounded by beautiful things and inspirational quotes. The most encouraging one is this:
"To practise any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make the soul grow. So do it." -Kurt Vonnegut

Lately I've been listening to music while painting -Goldfrapp's Seventh Tree, Fleet Foxes, Charlotte Gainsbourg and Bat for Lashes.

Hegel and John Cage quotes from Keri Smith's blog, cat drawing by my older sister

meditative painting a friend gave me, in one of my favourite colours

paperweight and charcoal

Faber-Castell Polychromos pencils

Inside Out

2011-04-08T18:52:00.000+01:00

Today was supposed to be dedicated to working on the looming-deadline commission. I got up early, went for my commute-simulating run, put a blend of essential oils of ylang-ylang, lavender and cinnamon in the oil burner (supposed to "stimulate mental acuity and increase inspiration" -smells great, too) and then... I did my laundry. I cleaned hidden corners of my house. I cut out articles from magazines and filed them. I made an elaborate lunch. After a few hours I was finally ready and willing to do the preparatory work and stretched and primed canvases in the sun. Then I got distracted again, by an idea:

This is an Ian Mosh (me neither) jacket I got in the sale two years ago, meaning I did not pay the full 280 euros for it. I would be slightly annoyed if I had, because the outside has gone all bobbly. I bought it primarily for the gorgeous lining (I'm a sucker for nice lining).

On closer inspection the lining is a bit bobbly, too...

So today I decided to make the few alterations that would make it possible to reverse it. Since the seams are all neat, all I had to do was take out the care instructions label and add buttons on the inside. Then I didn't fancy having to sew on buttons. So I just belted it and realised I was able to use the top button by opening the lapel a bit more.

The time I saved by not sewing on buttons was then used to actually do some work. I surprise myself with my newfound discipline.

Indian Beauty

2011-04-05T18:30:00.004+01:00

This book has kept its prominent place on my coffee table, because the colours are gorgeous and uplifting; it has become part of the decoration. And the inside lives up to the cover, with lots of great natural recipes for cosmetics and advice on different life stages. Some of the ingredients may be difficult to find, but a lot of the basics -coconut oil, rosewater, almonds, oatmeal- are readily available. I much prefer making my own cosmetics to putting something with a 100+ ingredient list full of nasties on my skin. The preparation is part of the enjoyment. I love the coconut oil hair masks, though I rarely leave the oil in overnight -too messy. I often use coconut oil with a few drops of eucalyptus, which boosts blood circulation.

The book takes an holistic approach to health and wellbeing (which I strongly believe in), emphasising the mind-body connection:

"The skin is a mirror for what we are feeling... According to the Yog-Sutra of Patanjali, probably written around AD 200, steadfastness of mind and detachment from pain help us rise above the daily grind of the world: 'By meditation upon light and upon radiance, knowledge of the spirit can be reached and therefore peace can be achieved.' Here 'light and radiance' refer to good thoughts and the positive energy that is found in everyone and everywhere. All Hindu scriptures speak of keeping the mind steady so that emotions cannot toss you about like a ship in troubled waters. It pays to follow this advice, not least for the sake of your looks. Anger and tension not only upset your equilibrium but also activate your sebaceous glands to produce excess oil, which in turn leads to rashes, spots and blotches." (Bharadwaj, Monisha: India's Beauty Secrets. Kyle Cathie Limited, London 2008, p.32)

The week

2011-04-03T15:50:00.003+01:00

An inspiring talk on a beautiful craft:

Trees in Dublin:

(...and the perfect pink front door)

Not getting cold feet while getting dressed:

Seeing finished paintings in their new homes:

This week also featured the best Indian food I have ever eaten, lots of sunshine, less running than I had planned, and freaking out when I realised what my workload for the next few weeks will be like (but that is a good complaint).

Diaries

2011-03-29T19:58:00.004+01:00

I've been reading this for the last few days (the "Currently Reading" link in the sidebar here shows only one of the books I am reading at the moment; I always seem to have at least three on the go):

The Faber Book of Diaries, edited by Simon Brett. The bookmark left in it tells me that Matt (who lent me the book) took a train from Euston station to Manchester on December 21st, 2001.

I love anthologies and how you can just dip into them. This one has a brilliant format: It is laid out like a diary, a day-by-day scheme which makes it random (in a good way), bringing together entries from all kinds of people and years, and it allows you to follow the authors' lives in an unusual way. There is no chronological order; one day might have somebody's 1940 entry, and a few days later there is one from 1939 by the same person, so you have to bear in mind that the events from a few pages ago have not yet happened. It also allows for great leaps in time on one page: for instance, for the 14th of December you get a 1861 entry from Queen Victoria about Albert's death, followed by one from 1899 reflecting on the anniversary.

Here are some of my favourite entries:

20 April 1925

"Happiness is to have a little string onto which things will attach themselves. For example, going to my dressmaker in Judd Street, or rather thinking of a dress I could get her to make, & imagining it made - that is the string, which as if it dipped loosely into a wave of treasure brings up pearls sticking to it." Virginia Woolf

7 November 1815

"Passed an acute & miserable morning in comparing myself with Raphael. At my age he had completed a Vatican Room." B.R.Haydon [been there...]

28 November 1923

"Am still trying to make the most of (and prepare for the shattering of) my solitude. No doubt I shall soon get used to the old conditions, but at present I genuinely shudder at the thought of turning out of this room and not being able to play the piano in peace. Lately I have, not for the first time, actually thought, rather cravingly, of having a house of my own." Siegfried Sassoon

16 December 1836

"I wish I had leisure to commit to paper a hundredth part of the tales, poems, and dramas with which my brain is crammed. I have such splendid visions in my head that the idea of never realizing them with the pen is quite mortifying." Emily Shore [she died of consumption in 1839, aged 20]

The following juxtaposition in the entries for December 31st reveals two completely different attitudes:

1857

"The dear old year is gone [...]. Yet not gone either: for what I have suffered and enjoyed in it remains to me an everlasting possession while my soul's life remains." George Eliot

1859
"The old year is fled, never to come back again through all Eternity. All its opportunities for love and service gone, past recall. What a terrible thought!" Caroline Fox

The beach

2011-03-26T12:13:00.004Z

Spontaneous beach visit yesterday between going to the post office and grocery shopping:

Because it was spontaneous, I did not wear beach-appropriate clothes (couldn't even roll up my pants to wade in the water, as they are unrollupable):

(which reminds me: I always mean to put together a bag of stuff that will live in the car and enable me to do things spontaneously, to include a towel, a bikini, a hairbrush and moisturiser (for swimming in the sea), an overnight bag (for when I don't go home), shoes I can walk in (for all those occasions when I find myself wanting to go for a walk but am wearing heels), wellies (same, but on a very wet day in a field), and snacks. Must do that)

That's a father and child at the edge of the water.

It was so peaceful. Days like that remind me that I am very lucky not to be working full-time.

Working from home

2011-03-22T13:44:00.003Z

I am at home, my car needs petrol, and I am trying to figure out what kind of meals I can make without having to go shopping (and no, I still don't regret the purchase of the silk pillowcases -they actually weren't that expensive, although I noticed that a shop in this town sells them for 80 euro a piece).

This is my first day off/working from home, and so far it's going well. Someone said working from home is easier when you go for a walk or a run first thing in the morning, a sort of "commute". I did that today, and it really makes a difference. The other thing is to dress properly (although one famous writer insisted that he worked best if he stayed in his pyjamas, as he was then still in nighttime creative dreamland or something). Did that, too. And of course ignore distractions (obviously I failed here - hello, blog! But it's my lunchbreak!). This morning was in fact very busy, with various phone calls and e-mails. I also painted and will hopefully do some more later.

Other good things:

-My cravings for green foods continue, and I am glad they do -so much better than sugar cravings. Last week we had wild garlic everything, courtesy of the garden at Matt's place, old woodland:

-These amazing slippers my sister made for me (my sisters are extremely talented):

-using oils for everything. I've been using jojoba oil, sometimes with an essential oil like lemon or lavender or geranium, as a moisturiser, coconut oil on my hair, and essential oil of jasmine as perfume.

-met my friend and her dog on Sunday morning at 8am for a run/walk, which was perfect. We're hoping to make this a regular thing.

- I have been doing meditation every day for 15 mins, and while my mind is still thinking of tons of things, I do feel it's getting better, and the 15 mins go by quickly.